


The Only Thing in This World (I Would Die Without)

by GlitterAndDoom



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Better Than I Know Myself - Adam Lambert (Music Video)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Big Bang Challenge, Cockbert Big Bang, Crack, Developing Relationship, Double Penetration, Established Relationship, Finger Sucking, M/M, Morning Sex, Pining, Polyamory, Porn, Porn With Plot, Rimming, Romance, Self-cest, Threesome - M/M/M, Wooing, bottom!Adam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:39:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 38,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterAndDoom/pseuds/GlitterAndDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Light!Adam, Sauli, and Dark!Adam <strike>try to</strike> start a relationship with each other.</p><p>Dealing with one's dark side is never simple, is it? It gets a thousand times more complicated when the "dark side" is just as human himself, and the question of which side is dark and which side is light starts to get harder and harder to answer. <em>Especially</em> when sex and love are thrown into the mix.</p><p>But at least both sides are hot and good in bed? When he's not angsting and pining for his other half, Lambert thinks that's a definite plus. Sweet and light Adam doesn't disagree, and Adam's boyfriend Sauli <em>really</em> wants to see for himself.</p><p>They just hope they won't lose each other in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [argeneau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/argeneau/gifts).



> A Cockbert Big Bang fic, written for argeneau's winning bid in the fyentertainment Charity: Water auction. Special thanks to janesgravity for the beta, to @ArianneMaya, @ewnicorn, @stopoppression, and @TechnicolorNina for pre-reading, and to my whole Twitter feed for putting up with me while I stressed and flailed over getting this thing written. ILU all. :****
> 
> Art made by me. :3 You can see the art masterpost [HERE](http://argylepiratewd.livejournal.com/112850.html) on LJ.
> 
> Potential Trigger Warning: Dark!Adam--Lambert--deals with body image issues and possible/probable depression. Besides that, and some getting-together angst and some pining, the story is fairly light overall.

"He's not gonna call you back this time!"

Adam lit the last of his lavender candles, and he sat on the floor, and closed his eyes. Smiling to himself, he crossed his legs, one over the other, and he began to meditate. Deep breath in, deep breath out, and he could ignore the nuisance next door.

"You're bor- _ing!_ "

He could tune Lambert out. He _could_. Breathe, relax, transcend. Focus on the good. Focus on the relaxing scent wafting through the room. Focus on the tranquil music playing around him. Focus on Sauli. Sauli was staying in America, hopefully for good, and they were going to live together. Sauli would always call him back.

His life was amazing.

Except... "I know you can hear me!"

Something plinked against the glass wall between them. When Adam ignored it, it came again, and again. Adam hummed, hoping to drown out the sounds, but the noises kept coming. He hummed louder.

" _Adam_ ," Lambert whined, and Adam pictured him stamping his feet like a toddler, "stop ignoring me! I want details!"

Lambert could be ignored. It wouldn't kill him.

"I've got a lighter and tequila!"

Adam stretched his arms and back, and settled in place once more. He had no neighbor. He had no double. He'd be leaving soon, and Lambert had no idea.

"I'll do it!"

Deep breath in.

"I'll set this motherfucking apartment on fire again, I shit you not!"

Deep breath out.

"Dumping the booze on the floor right now!"

"You don't have any!" Adam gave up on ignoring Lambert, and instead, focused on just relaxing. Something he read once suggested imagining a balloon behind his navel, filling with air with every breath. Worth a try, he supposed, and began to imagine. The book suggested yellow, "a bright, cheery color," but yellow reminded him too much of a certain person's eyes. He shuddered. No, Adam's balloon was purple.

"You look like an idiot! _Adam!_ "

Adam gritted his teeth. One day, he would snap back with _You_ ** _sound_** _like an idiot_. Not this time. Instead, he tried to fill his imaginary balloon with air. It didn't work. He couldn't see it in his mind—his other's incessant noise made sure of that. So, he pictured reality instead. He'd met someone special, by pure chance—a beautiful soul who made everything in Adam's life beautiful with love. Love. He'd found _love_.

That helped. The tension in his muscles eased, and he stretched and rolled his shoulders, unconcerned about the pest. He grinned. Perfect. The world was calm, peaceful, quiet.

Too quiet.

A warm breath brushed against his ear. "Boo."

Adam's eyes shot open, and he scrambled for the couch, heart pounding. Lambert cackled. "I _love_ doing that to you, oh my God."

"What the hell?" Adam clutched his chest. "You trying to give me a heart attack or something? God. What are you doing in here?"

"Relax," Lambert drawled.

"What do you think I've been trying to do?" Adam muttered.

Lambert ignored him, of course. "We're not even thirty, Gramps. Little fear's not gonna kill your ass."

So much for a nice evening. Through gritted teeth, Adam repeated, "What are you doing in here?"

"Oh, you know." Lambert waved a hand airily, jangling the keys on his skull-shaped keyring from an extended middle finger—surely not by accident. Adam cringed. God, he never should've given him a key. "Little of this, little of that. Checking up on you." Lambert plopped down on the couch, and reached for Adam's crotch. "Making sure you're still saving yourself for marriage."

"Seriously." Adam batted his hand away, and glared. "Boundaries."

"Seriously," Lambert repeated, in a mocking, high-pitched voice, and grabbed Adam's belt. "Boundaries." He rolled his eyes. "Quit being modest. I know what our junk looks like, Freckle Dick. And," he leered, "what it tastes like."

"Oh, stop it." Adam smacked Lambert's hand. "Just 'cause we're the same person doesn't mean I go around groping _you_."

"Maybe you should. Might make things a little more interesting when I try to talk to you."

"You're still here." Adam smiled sweetly, and did not add, "unfortunately." "I must not be too boring."

" _Right_." Lambert snorted. "You drink tea, you play chess, you wear _cardigans—_ seriously, who the fuck wears cardigans?"

"They're comfortable—"

"And _lame_. Face it, honey, you are _dull_." Lambert propped his boot-clad feet on the coffee table, and Adam scowled at the dirt on the heels. "I don't know how you haven't bored yourself to death yet."

Adam sighed. "What are you doing here? Really. Isn't there something else you could be doing, like going to a club or scaring small children or, I dunno, mainlining porn and jerking off until your dick falls off?"

"Aww, he thinks he's being insulting. How cute!" Lambert laughed and clapped his hands in delight. "But no. I do have a reason. I bought us some dinner."

"Dinner?" Adam raised his eyebrows. "Really? You?"

"Yep. Figured you might want something a little bit _edible_ , since you're being all healthy and shit these days." Lambert gestured toward Adam's middle, and Adam braced himself, expecting to be pinched, poked, or tickled. Instead, Lambert said, " _Nice!_ Gettin' to be a skinny bitch, aren't you?"

Adam didn't believe it. Lambert never simply came over for dinner. But "skinny bitch" was probably the biggest compliment he would ever receive from Lambert, so he pushed his skepticism aside. "Thank you," he said, with a sincere smile. "I like being 'all healthy and shit.' Feels good."

"Looks good. That boyfriend's got you looking almost as hot as I am—except I'm totally hotter." He scooted closer, and draped himself along Adam's side, catching Adam by surprise. "And speaking of _that boyfriend_ —"

Adam groaned. "No. I am not letting you meet him yet," Adam said, for the billionth time. "Possibly ever. No threesomes, either."

"—I accidentally got a call today." Lambert's grin turned sharp. "From a real estate agent."

Somehow, Adam kept from saying, _"Oh, shit_ ," as his stomach took a nosedive toward the center of the Earth. He settled for, "Um...you did?" instead.

"Said she's found a place you and your _partner_ —" Lambert's lips curled in disgust. "—might like. Mind telling me what that was about?"

"I—" Adam opened and closed his mouth, every explanation dying before he could say it. His cheeks burned. Discussing relationships with Lambert was like tap-dancing through a minefield—especially this time. For him to even consider moving out because of Sauli, well. Saying Lambert wouldn't take it well would be a colossal understatement. "Er."

Lambert's expression grew stormier by the second. "Well?"

So, Adam went with the truth. "Um, we've been looking at some houses—my boy and me. He's staying in the U.S., and we thought—"

"Uh-huh." Lambert jerked away, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Looking at houses. You're looking at houses. Seriously." Adam ducked his head. "You haven't even told me this fucker's _name_ , and you're—"

"Sauli," Adam said. "His name's Sauli."

"Sauli?" Lambert asked. Adam nodded. "Sauli." Lambert rolled the word over his tongue, testing it. "Sauli. Sowli. Sowliiiii."

"He's Finnish?" Adam squirmed under Lambert's glare, and rubbed the back of his neck.

"That naked twink on your computer—the one with all the flowery birdy tattoos and that weird-ass curly mohawk? Who likes to tan naked?" 

Adam bristled. Lambert's snooping was no surprise, but Adam liked Sauli's hair, and Sauli was not a twink. "Yeah. Him."

"Ah. Great ass on that one. He looked like fun." The past tense did not go unnoticed, and, oh, God, this wasn't going to end well, was it? "The fuck is he doing with _you?_ "

"He—" Adam took a deep breath, but it did nothing. Lambert wasn't supposed to know. Not yet. "We're good together?" he finished.

"Good together." Lambert thinned his lips. "That's it. Good together." A flicker of pain flashed across Lambert's face, and quickly turned back into anger. "You've only been together, what, a month and a half, and you're already—"

"Three months." Adam cleared his throat. "We've been together three months."

"Three months." He could tell Lambert was doing the math in his head, thinking back, figuring out the timing. Adam chewed his lip, preparing himself for the inevitable blast. He didn't have to wait long. "Three months?" Adam nodded, and Lambert jumped up and paced the floor. "Three months?"

"Yeah. Three." Almost four months ago, he and Lambert had been...something. Adam still didn't know what to call it. The fire changed them from grudging roommates who'd once been two halves of a person into something close to lovers. Lonely, unhappy lovers.

Adam ended it. And soon after, there was Sauli.

Unsurprisingly, Lambert exploded. " _Three months!_ You've been together three fucking months. You told me—God, Adam, did you even wait a week after you dumped me—"

That was, possibly, the worst part. "Two," Adam admitted, and Lambert gaped. "I met him in a club after that show in Helsinki. He smiled at me, and it was like— _wow_ , this guy's gorgeous. We had a really good time, and then we kept talking to each other, and he came for a visit, and I fell in love—"

"Love?" Lambert spat the word. "Right. Like you even know what that means."

"I'm sorry. It just _happened,_ and I—" Lambert kicked the wall, and Adam flinched. "You had to know I'd find someone someday," Adam said, his voice small. "And we're so _good_ together. We really fit together, and I—"

"Fuck you." Lambert ran his hands over his face. "You're saying all this shit about some skanky little _fling?_ After all we've—no. Fuck you. Just." He waved his hands helplessly, and slumped against the window separating their rooms. "Fuck you."

"I'm sorry," Adam said, again. "I didn't plan to meet him—"

Lambert leaned toward him, and snarled, "Well you sure as fuck didn't try to wait."

"—but we can't do this forever. It's not gonna make either of us happy, and you're never gonna be able to give me what I need." Lambert took a step back, looking like he'd been kicked. Adam's chest ached for him. "I know you don't like change, I know I screwed up, and I know this hurts, but I—"

"Right!" Lambert howled with laughter. "I'm sure you care _so Goddamn much_ about my _feelings_ right now!"

Adam winced. "Of course I care. I—"

"Save it." Lambert stalked over to his door and flung it open. "I don't give a shit."

"I deserve to be happy!" Adam shouted, words lost to the slam of the door. He stared blindly after Lambert for a long time, until he caught a flurry of movement through the corner of his eyes. He turned in time to see Lambert's furious glare and raised middle finger, and Lambert yanked the new black curtain between them closed. Shutting him out, as always. Never letting anyone explain.

"That's why I didn't talk to you about him yet," Adam whispered, to the empty room.

The answering silence was deafening, save for the small, gut-wrenching voice in his head saying, _You screwed up_. He had. And he had no clue how to fix it.

For a moment, he thought of storming through the door and demanding the conversation Lambert wanted. Then, he heard the sound of glass crashing against something, and he sat back. Not a good idea, then. He sighed, and leaned heavily against the back of the couch, then pulled his phone from his pocket.

 _Still awake? :(_ he texted to Sauli.

He didn't have to wait for a response. His phone rang, playing the sappy love song he'd picked as Sauli's ring tone, and Adam answered with a tired, "Hey, baby."

"What happened?" Sauli sounded worried. "Is something wrong? You—"

"Well, the real estate agent found us a house," he said, "and Lambert found out. Accidentally." A sick, sinking feeling gnawed at his insides, and he pulled the throw pillow from behind himself and hugged it to his chest. He wished he could shrink into nothing, but could only scoot even deeper into the corner and curl up around himself. "It...did not go well."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. He's—" Another crashing sound came from next door, and Adam winced. "Difficult. And, I dunno, kinda fragile? And I don't know what to do. I hurt him pretty bad, and...God." He could hear the defeat in his voice, the guilt, and he had to ask, "I deserve to be happy, right? To have my own life?"

"Of course," Sauli said. "Everyone does."

Some of the knot in his chest unclenched. "Thank you," he said, quietly. But "some" was not enough. His nerves stood on edge, and the thought of spending another minute in the apartment made him want to scream as loud as Lambert. "Can I come back over? I mean, I know it's late, and I was just over there, and you're probably tired, but I feel like a total dick, and I...I could really use a hug right now."

"Adam," Sauli said, "of course. Come. I like seeing you always, my love."

Adam breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay," he said. "Okay. Thank you." He slipped his sock-clad feet into a nearby pair of shoes, and grabbed his keys from the table. "You're amazing, sweetie. I love you."

They said their goodbyes, and Adam put his phone away. Something slammed against the window, shaking the glass, but not breaking it. He shook his head. Leaving might not be best, he thought. Lambert had not been this upset in a while, not since Adam had...

No. Adam didn't want to think about that. 

"God," Adam groaned, pushing himself to his feet, and he trudged toward the front door. There had to be a way to fix this. There _had_ to be. He loved Lambert—he really did. But that didn't change anything. He deserved his own life, too. He deserved to be happy. Sauli was right.

Wasn't he?

A faint flicker of an idea at the back of his mind suggested how. An impossible idea. A crazy idea—no, a batshit fucking _insane_ idea. There was no way either of them would agree. If they did, it probably wouldn't work in a million years.

But it might.

"Fuck, I need to get out of here." Adam spared one last sad glance toward Lambert's room and stepped out the door, unable to stop shaking his head.

This was ridiculous.

♦

"I really don't know what to do," Adam said again, when he finally tumbled into Sauli's waiting arms. "I―" He broke off with a frustrated whine, and Sauli shushed him with a kiss.

"It will be fine," Sauli said, and tugged him toward the living room. "I promise. But first." He urged Adam into a plush blue armchair, and squeezed in beside him. "You relax. You breathe."

"I don't―"

Sauli pressed a finger to Adam's lips. " _Breathe_ , Adam." He patted Adam's chest and kissed his cheek. "This tension, this stress will not help you figure it out. You know this. Breathe. And talk to me."

"I don't think—"

"Adam, what is it you say? 'In with the good energy, out with the bad?'" Adam nodded. "Okay. Do that. In—" Sauli held a hand over Adam's stomach and slowly moved it outward, illustrating the breath, then pulled back again and gently pushed on Adam's belly with his palm. "—and out."

"Okay." Adam took a deep breath, and slowly released it. "Okay. In with the good energy, out with the bad." As he tried to relax, Sauli held him close, and pressed chaste kisses to his cheek. Adam leaned into him, letting himself be held, and tried to focus on the warmth of Sauli's skin, the strength of his arms, his familiar scent. It didn't work, and he dropped his hands in his lap. " _Dammit_."

"It will be okay," Sauli insisted.

Adam couldn't hold back a disbelieving laugh. " _Right_ ," he snapped. "This is a guy who, like, tears things up and sets stuff on _fire_ when he's upset." He caught himself, and cringed at his tone. "Whew. Okay, yeah, that...sorry. It's not your fault."

"Eh, you are upset right now." Sauli waved it off. "You are allowed. Now, tell me what happened."

"He accidentally got a call about the house! He accidentally got a call about the house, and I told him about our whole moving in together thing, and he's pissed, and he flipped the fuck out, and he stormed out, and—"

"Did he try to hurt you?" Sauli looked over Adam's body with worried eyes, cutting Adam's panicked tirade short. "Did he throw something at you or—"

"No."

"Did he hit you?" Sauli reached for Adam's shirt, and Adam shoved his hands away, shaking his head. "Did he punch you?"

"No, no, he didn't hit me or anything." Adam shrugged, not knowing what else to do. "I just...didn't want him to know yet."

"You hadn't mentioned it to him before?" Sauli asked.

"No way. He—baby, you know what I've told you about him. He's—"

"Difficult and sensitive, yes. But he cannot handle you leaving him?"

Adam didn't know how to say it without telling Sauli everything. "He...gets jealous and pissy and doesn't like me dating—"

"You told me he wanted to be alone?" Adam nodded. "Then why does it bother him so much if you—" Adam stared down at his hands, and picked at his chipped gold nail polish. "Adam, what are you not telling me?"

"It's just the drama," Adam lied. Acid rose in his throat. "I don't know how it still gets to me, but—"

"It is not 'just' anything. You love him," Sauli said, like it was the simplest thing in the world. "He is family. And he was being good, you said."

" _Was_." Adam shook his head. "He _was_ being good. And—" He broke off with a groan, and dropped his face in his hands. Between keeping secrets from Lambert and keeping such a big one from Sauli, he felt like an utter dick. "God." He forced himself to meet Sauli's eyes, and his voice cracked as he said, "What would you say if I told you that—before we got together—he and I were...kind of a thing?"

"A thing?" Sauli furrowed his brow, confused, and tilted his head. "You mean—"

"We were together."

He expected disgust, or even anger, from Sauli. It didn't come. "You were lovers?"

"Yeah—but only for a little while! It was...he's not actually my brother, and we weren't really boyfriends, it was just—God, I don't even know, and you're probably totally grossed out now, aren't you?"

Sauli was silent, and Adam watched his face, trying to figure out what he was thinking. "Baby?" Adam's voice shook, but his body was frozen with terror. He needed Sauli to say something— _anything_ —and the longer he stayed silent, the worse the panic got. "Are you—" _Okay_ did not seem to fit. He couldn't imagine what Sauli was feeling—what _anyone_ would feel—after learning that their boyfriend used to be romantically involved with his other self. Completely weirded out? "Please say something."

"I...It is strange, but...it does not surprise me much?"

Adam stared at him in disbelief. _Shocked_ was an understatement. "You—"

"I have a twin," Sauli said. "Sara. I am not as...possessive of her. If someone hurt her, I _would_ hurt them, but with you, there is something—" Sauli waved a hand. "I do not know how to describe."

"I don't get—"

"You do not talk about your brother in this way. You do not worry so much about how he will feel about you dating, or if he thinks he is ugly, or—"

"Neil can take care of himself, usually. Lambert..." Adam shook his head.

"The way you reacted to him bringing men home—I thought your head would explode; you were so angry, even though that was how _we_ met! The way you said he reacted to me. And there is a different look in your eye when you speak of your 'other.'" Sauli pointed toward Adam's eyes. "Your eyes hide nothing. _Something_ did not fit—I thought it was because of how he came to be, but this...it is strange, but—"

"Kinda a lot to take in, huh." Most of the terror still lingered, but Adam felt like a weight had been lifted. He'd never told anyone—not even his closest friends—and Lambert refused to discuss it anymore. But since somebody knew, he could try to explain, and perhaps even understand, exactly what had happened. "He always said it was kinda like masturbation. Us getting off with someone exactly like us, but different, y'know?" He laughed softly to himself. It still sounded ridiculous—a flimsy excuse at best.

Sauli nodded along, listening, and Adam went on talking. "But it just...wasn't enough for me. I mean, I like sex—I _love_ sex. Love, love, _love_. And the sex was _great_ , but...that's never been enough for me. I didn't want to settle for lots of amazing casual sex, especially with someone I cared about _so much_. He was just...always so chilly, y'know? Not very affectionate, closed off, wouldn't tell me anything, and I wanted a lover, a partner." He reached up and stroked Sauli's face, and smiled softly at him. Sauli had given him so much of what he wanted, and so much he needed—even things he never knew were missing. "So I broke it off, and I thought he didn't care. But now he's acting like I cheated on him or something 'cause I hooked up with you so soon after, and..." Adam shook his head. "Never mind. You don't wanna hear this. Hell, you probably think I'm a total freak now, so—"

He started to stand, but Sauli pulled him back down. "Do not do that," Sauli said. "I knew you were a freak the night you put your lollipop in my mouth and then did my—what is it, star chart?—after we had so much sex."

"That meant you were good."

Sauli chuckled. "Yes, _a_ _nd_ when I saw how you really dance, _and_ when you tried to make those leopard-print chocolate chip pancakes—"

"Hey, those were _awesome_."

"Adam, they _burned_. We both know you can do better in the kitchen, yes? But, see? You are this weird, wonderful man who treats his microphones like penises and cries at silly films and thinks _Twilight_ is better than _Harry Potter_ and is sweeter than most people will ever want to be. And most would think we are both strange for wanting to make a home together so soon." Sauli rested his chin on Adam's shoulder. "We are both weird. We are both freaks. The two of you are the same person. It does not seem so terrible to me that you loved him—even in an unusual way."

"Love him," Adam corrected, and Sauli made a sympathetic sound and hugged him close. "I think I still do. But he's just so...God. When he hurts, he drowns in the pain, and it all turns into this cycle of misery and anger that refuses to end, and he tries to drag everyone else down with him." He paused, thinking. "I feel like I hurt him more than anyone else ever does."

"Oh, love." All of the men Adam had dated since Lambert appeared acted like Lambert's feelings didn't matter, and wondered why Adam cared so much. Instead of scorn, Sauli said, "If it hurts him so much, that means he loves you, too, I think."

"God." Adam almost cried from relief, and he pulled Sauli into his lap and held him tight. Sauli wasn't disgusted, and wasn't dumping him, and still loved him, and _got him_. "Most people don't get that, and...do you know how many times I've been told that I shouldn't care what he thinks, or that, like, he doesn't care at all and he's some kind of unfeeling bastard who never gets hurt, or that I should 'trim the fat' and kick him out? 'Cause it's a _lot_."

"If he is anything like you, he probably cares too much," Sauli said. "Nothing you've said to me makes me think he doesn't care or doesn't feel. He is _you_ , you said. And you are very important to me."

"So he's important to you?" Sauli nodded, so Adam kept talking, _needing_ Sauli to know more. "He's never been happy, I don't think. He hurts, and he's lonely, and it _sucks_ , and I know I can't fix him, but I...I just want him to be happy, y'know? And he's not. He barely has any friends, he's never been in love, and it always seems like he hates himself." Adam closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, then let it out in a rush. "I want to make him happy. At least for a little bit." He laughed sadly. "You have no idea how much I wanna make him happy."

"Mm. There must be..." Sauli went quiet, with a pensive look on his face. Adam opened his mouth to ask what he was thinking, but Sauli said, "The house we liked—it is too big for just two, yes?"

"You mean..." Adam's eyes went wide, but he tried not to get his hopes up. "You're thinking of living together? All three of us? Even though—"

Sauli shrugged. "Why push him away? You do not want him to be alone, he does not seem to want to be alone..."

"And I don't think he'd handle it well if he was. But things are... _complicated_ between the two of us."

"I never would have guessed," Sauli teased.

"I know, right?" Adam's smile didn't last. "But you're okay with it? Really?"

"Yes. It is kind of—" Sauli pursed his lips, until he found the word he wanted. "Interesting."

"Interesting how? Like—" Sauli smirked. "Oh!" Adam said. "You mean, like—"

"One you is sexy. Two of you, and both part of the same person..." Sauli paused, and laughed. "I think if I had a double who was also myself, I would probably be _curious_. And if he is as beautiful as you?" Sauli's cheeks flushed, but he still sounded certain when he said, "I think I would like to see."

"What? I—" Adam's eyes went wide. "Wait. Are you serious?" Sauli nodded, and Adam gaped at him. "Wow. Oh my God, honey. Thank you." He shook his head, and gave Sauli a quick kiss. "Wow. Just...wow. You're kinda perfect, you know that?" He kissed Sauli's lips again, this time gentle and easy, and Sauli kissed back. When they pulled apart, Adam added, "Or totally batshit insane, I'm not sure which," with a wry grin.

Sauli laughed again, and more of the worry twisting in Adam's chest melted away. "I think you are the madman," Sauli said, voice laden with affection, "but what does that say about me? Crazy, both of us!" Adam giggled. "Me with you, you with your double―America is turning me strange!"

"Honey, you won _Big Brother_ , and from what I saw on YouTube? I don't think America had a damn thing left to do."

Sauli laughed. "No, I was plenty strange before!" Sauli kept smiling, and brushed the hair from Adam's forehead. Adam's heart skipped a beat. "I think this is a good thing," Sauli said. "Us. We are good. But I think we are," he paused, and Adam waited for him to find his words, "incomplete. Part of your heart is with your other half. I refuse to make you choose between us unless you want to."

The dull ache crept back into Adam's throat. The idea of choosing felt like something ripping painful gashes deep within, cutting him to his core, and when he thought of picking Sauli over Lambert... "You know who I'd have to pick, right?" Much as Lambert annoyed him, he _was_ him. And though Adam loved Sauli dearly, even he couldn't compete.

Sauli understood. "Yes. And I want you―all of you―enough to let you have what you need. Who you need." He took one of Adam's hands and entwined their fingers together. "I think this is worth it. I know I must share you with him."

Adam started to protest, but Sauli shook his head. "I know, you think a relationship like this could be..."

"Unhealthy," Adam finished. "This...I don't think it's good to share. I think when two people meet each other and get together, they should be committed—"

"But you are the same, the two of you—the same person. And the two of us would be no less committed. See? This makes sense. And," Sauli quirked his lips, "I am shallow. You are beautiful, I am assuming he is also beautiful, so the two of you together..."

Adam choked on his own laughter, and coughed out, "You little shit." Sauli shrugged, giving him a look of innocence that failed _spectacularly_ , but made Adam adore him even more. "That's it. I'm keeping you. For, like, _forever_."

"Forever?" Sauli smirked. "Only that long?"

"Mm. Why not longer? I mean, you're sweet, and you're amazing, and you're really fucking hot. What more could a guy ask for?"

"Wonderful sex?"

Adam laughed. "Yeah. But you've got that one covered, too, baby." He was lucky. So, so lucky. He couldn't believe it. "You sure you're not weirded out? Seriously? 'Cause I'm, like, freaking the fuck out right now." He held out his hands. "See how hard my hands are shaking?"

"Adam." Sauli straddled Adam's legs, and looked into his eyes with such intensity that Adam almost shied away. It reminded him of Lambert, or even himself, only calmer. "I am not going anywhere. I found a job here because of us. I am staying here because of us. I _believe_ in us. And I believe we are strong enough together to allow him in." Sauli stroked Adam's cheek. "If I wanted easy, I would not have followed you."

"God," Adam breathed, staring up at Sauli with awe, "you have no idea how much it means to hear you say that."

"If it means as much as saying it, then I think I do." He kissed Adam again, and he got up from the chair. "Now, come. We have much planning to do, but you also need to relax, and I think," Sauli's small smile turned wicked, and he tugged at Adam's hand, "I know just the way to relax you."

Adam laughed, and he slid his other hand around the small of Sauli's back and pulled him close again. "You do, do you?" He wrapped his legs around Sauli's. "And if I don't wanna leave this chair?"

"It is a nice chair," Sauli said. "Very comfortable."

"Mm, it is." Adam slid his hips forward, and Sauli unbuckled his belt. Adam rewarded him with another kiss, deep and anything but innocent. Adam dragged him in and held his slim body tight, and kissed him harder, stealing his breath. Consuming Sauli as Sauli consumed him, completely. He let his hands slip down, and squeezed the firm curve of Sauli's ass. Sauli groaned approvingly and fell against him, and Adam's head hit the wall with a thump. Too many clothes hung between them, he thought, seeking friction with a desperate grind of hips. He pulled back, breathless, and asked, "Why aren't we naked yet?"

"Because this is supposed to be relaxing?" Sauli asked. "No hurrying?"

Adam shook his head. "I wanna _see_ you. How can I relax if we're not naked?" He tugged insistently at the hem of Sauli's gray tee. "Off. Seriously." He pulled on the laces of Sauli's black pajama pants, and the loose pants fell low on his hips. "Take your clothes off."

Part of him still feared that Sauli wouldn't, but as soon as Adam noticed the creeping tendrils of doubt, Sauli yanked off his shirt. "Better?" Sauli asked. Adam could only nod, and licked his dry lips. His eyes followed the lines of Sauli's body, the smooth skin, the tan he knew didn't stop, the shift of sculpted muscles as Sauli folded his shirt and laid it neatly on the coffee table.

"You are so cute," Adam said, grinning. "So tidy." He pushed Sauli's pants down, but stopped mid-thigh, and stared at Sauli's hard cock. "Oh. Hello there."

"Is that cute, too?" Sauli teased. Grinning, Adam kissed the tip, unable to resist, and Sauli shivered. "Mm, you like."

"Of course I do." He stroked that gorgeous cock, a bare brush of touch that made Sauli groan. "Who wouldn't?"

Sauli chuckled, and lightly batted Adam's hand away. "You wanted me naked," he chided, and shed the last of his clothes. "There." He kicked the pants aside, making Adam laugh, and reached for Adam's jeans. "You now."

"Can't I just enjoy the view?" Adam asked.

" _No_." Sauli stuck out his tongue, and opened Adam's jeans. "I want to enjoy a view, too." He gave Adam a smug smirk at the sight of the half-hard cock in his briefs, and gave the bulge a light squeeze. Adam gasped, and jerked against him. " _Very_ nice view. The rest now."

He slipped a hand beneath Adam's shirt, and dragged his warm, smooth palm over Adam's skin, making Adam's muscles twitch. "Mmm." Sauli stroked Adam's sensitive skin, and Adam sucked in a shaky breath. "I like this body." His hand roamed, and the other went for Adam's shirt, baring him inch by inch. "But I like this person even more."

With a fond smile, Sauli bent down, and pressed light, tickling kisses across Adam's belly and chest, everywhere his lips found bare skin. Adam laughed, and Sauli peered up at him, eyes soft. "You are wonderful."

"I'm―" Adam cleared his throat. "Glad you like me. I like you, too."

"Only like?" Sauli joked, and nipped Adam's stomach.

The bite tickled more than it hurt, and Adam said, "No!" through his soft laughter. Then, he toyed with Sauli's hair, twisting the smooth curls through his fingers. "Love. A lot."

He tugged at Adam's shirt again, and this time, Adam let him pull it off. Sauli's smile grew wider, and Adam couldn't help smiling back.

"Never would've guessed." Sauli's smile was genuine. "Now," he waved toward Adam's jeans, "the rest? There are things almost as magnificent as this," he tapped Adam's chest, over his heart, "that I actually can see...but cannot yet."

Sauli helped Adam out of his clothes, and gave Adam's body an appreciative, hungry look. "Like what you see?" Adam asked, smirking, and held open his arms. "C'mere." Sauli stepped into his embrace and climbed onto his lap. Adam held him close, dragging his hands up Sauli's back, and murmured, "What do you want, baby?" in his ear. "What do you want me to do?"

"What you want." Sauli looked in his eyes, and Adam slid his hands down, to cup Sauli's ass. "This is your night. I want to relax you."

"Then let me fuck you." He traced his finger along the cleft of Sauli's ass, and Sauli chuckled. "What?"

"You are predictable." Adam frowned, and Sauli nuzzled his nose. "That is not a bad thing. You fucking me is fun! Though, maybe some night—" He kissed Adam's lips. "You will let me fuck _you_ , yes?"

"Someday."

"Someday." Sauli grinned. "I will go get the things."

Adam tugged him closer. "And if I don't wanna let you go?"

"Well," Sauli ground down against him, and Adam groaned at the friction against his cock. "I can work with that, too. But―"

"Here." Adam reached up, and trailed a finger over Sauli's lips, shushing him. "Suck."

With a satisfied hum, Sauli took Adam's finger in eagerly, and gave it a long, leisurely lick that went straight to Adam's cock. Adam had plans for that finger, and had no doubt Sauli knew it. Languid licks turned to slow, wet suction, and Adam leaned back and watched through heavy-lidded eyes, hypnotized by the sight of his finger sliding between red lips, growing slicker and wetter with each pull.

"Oh, _God_." It reminded him of something else, and that resemblance didn't go unnoticed. Sauli sucked it like he did Adam's cock, hot and tight and deep, dragging his tongue along the underside and brushing the tip of Adam's nail with light, teasing flicks. "That's..."

The air between them hung dense and sultry, heavy on his chest and skin in spite of the blowing fan. He inhaled a ragged breath, and pushed another finger into Sauli's mouth. Sauli smirked around it and kept going, making exaggerated filthy noises as he sucked. Adam's cock throbbed, a dull ache creeping from within, in time with his pounding pulse. "God," he said, his voice rough, and he clung to Sauli, his hand spread across the low and wonderful curve where Sauli's back met his ass. They'd hardly done anything, only stripped themselves bare and _this_ , and it was so hot he couldn't breathe.

They probably wouldn't make it to the bedroom.

A pair of hands slid up his chest, and Sauli's fingers found his nipples. They barely touched, but Adam gasped, the lines of his nerves going tight from the simple brush of fingertips. Sauli rolled them between his fingers, and Adam's belly clenched with need. His head fell back against the chair, and he cried out silently, hand slipping from Sauli's damp back. Sauli chuckled. He'd found Adam's biggest weakness early, and rarely failed to go for it when he could.

" _Fuck_ ," Adam said, drawing the word out.

Piecing his mind back together, he pulled his wet fingers from Sauli's mouth and dropped them to his ass. They pushed in easily, his hole still stretched from earlier, and Adam felt a shudder pass through Sauli's body. Sauli moaned quietly, and dropped his head on Adam's shoulder, panting against Adam's skin. Adam held still, letting him get used to the feeling, and murmured, "I've got you," in Sauli's ear.

Sauli looked at him with approving eyes, and Adam began to thrust, keeping it slow, deliberate. It wasn't a perfect, effortless slide, but Sauli seemed to be enjoying the burn of friction against already oversensitive skin. Adam watched Sauli's face, searching for signs of discomfort, and pushed in harder when he found none. Sauli's eyes closed, and he clutched Adam's shoulder and groaned. Though Adam thought he knew that sound, he asked, "Good?"

Sauli answered with a raspy, "Yes," and Adam picked up the pace, still being careful.

"So good to me," Adam said, and slid his other hand along Sauli's thigh, then wrapped his fingers around Sauli's cock. Sauli whimpered, and let out more tiny whines as Adam's hand moved along his length, featherlight strokes a counterpoint to the merciless fingers in Sauli's hole. Pride blurred with arousal inside Adam's chest. _He_ could make someone look like that, could make someone's thighs quiver and hips jerk with nothing more than his hands. "So—"

Before he could get sappy, a hand curled around his cock, and dragged a thumb over the wet head, impossibly good and overwhelming. Adam's breath caught in his throat, and came out in a ragged, "Oh, God." And yet he wanted more, needed more, and he crooked his fingers inside Sauli, making Sauli shout. "Please," Adam said. "I...more. I need—"

"How do I—"

Adam shook his head. "I don't care. Just—" There was a hand around his cock, a boyfriend in his lap going crazy from his fingers, and that was all that mattered. "Keep going."

Sauli could hardly keep his grip, couldn't handle any rhythm or thinking or words. Sauli was close, so fucking close, a picture of desperate need, pushing back on Adam's fingers and frantically fucking Adam's fist, driving Adam even closer. But he tried to give more, curling his hand tighter around Adam's cock and letting it move with the shaking of their bodies, and it was enough. Just barely enough.

The chair creaked ominously beneath them, his arms and fingers had started hurting from the effort and the awkward hold, and if one of them didn't get off soon, Adam thought he'd go insane. His nerves stretched to the limit and more, twisting deeper and hotter and closer, on the edge of painful. He babbled words that seemed like nonsense to his ears, urging Sauli to let go, begging his own body to let him come, between a string of swears and "I love you's."

His fingers found that spot again, and he teased it with his fingertips, wringing helpless whines from Sauli's throat. Sauli's hand lost its grip, and he arched his back and moaned, spilling come over Adam's hand and belly. Adam stilled the hand on Sauli's cock, remembering more would be too much, but refused to stop fingerfucking him, plunging in and pulling out until Sauli slumped against him, spent.

Adam kissed him, hard and hot, and felt Sauli take his cock in hand once more. He didn't need much, was so close, so fucking close. One last swipe of a thumb over the head, and Adam was gone, shooting wet and hot between them as Sauli's lips consumed his shout.

They stayed like that for a while, breathing each other's air, enjoying the haze. Moving seemed like such a chore, and the chair was far too comfortable. His eyes fell closed, and he started to doze, more than willing to stay like that.

"We need to clean up," Sauli said, but his voice sounded far away, and Adam was drained, "and talk. Adam."

"No talking." Adam forced his eyes open, and he picked up one of Sauli's come-covered hands and brought it to his lips. "Okay? Just cleaning up." He licked Sauli's palm and fingers, enjoying the smell and salt-tinged taste. Sauli watched with dazed eyes, his mouth hanging open as he breathed. Adam smiled as he sucked a finger clean, then moved on to the next. "Mmm," he said, and batted his eyelashes coquettishly.

Sauli swallowed hard. " _You_ are the good one?"

"Mm-hmm." Adam pulled Sauli's finger from his mouth with a wet pop, and glanced down at his stomach. It was drenched with the thick, white liquid, no way to tell whose covered him the most. With a strangled, "Fuck," Adam dragged one of his wet palms through the cooling mess of sweat and come, coating it even more, eager to share. Then, he lifted his hand to Sauli's mouth, and raised his eyebrows in question, a silent challenge. "Is this bad?"

"Yes," Sauli said, voice rough. "But bad can be fun." He licked Adam's palm, then sucked one of Adam's fingers into his mouth again.

Adam said, "Definitely."

♦

Adam was leaving him.

Slumped in an exhausted heap amidst the wreckage of his room, Lambert stared up at the chandelier. Any second now, his heart would stop racing, his mind would slow its useless litany of _Adam's fucking leaving me,_ his lungs would fucking _work_. The world would stop spinning. He would feel less—

"You're pathetic," he said to himself, around a mouthful of melting ginger candy, and tried to catch his breath. It was _stupid_ of him to feel like this—so fucking _stupid_ to be such a wreck.

Maybe it wasn't because of the wretched state of his life? He'd downed fuck only knew how many cups of coffee throughout the day. Maybe that explained the queasiness, the jittery nerves, and the pounding heart. And the breathing could be—

He turned his head. No, not that, either. In spite of the wet remains of a shattered mug of cold coffee all over the air tanks, the oxygen meter showed a friendly blue "100%." Just him having another fucking breakdown, then. No big deal.

At least he didn't have a migraine. Yet.

"Fuck." He swallowed the rest of the candy whole, since it was doing fuck-all to help his anxious stomach, and went back to staring at the ceiling. This wasn't supposed to be happening. He'd cleaned up his act—mostly. No more tearing things up, no more throwing furniture, no more fires, a lot of therapy, and much less booze.

Adam hadn't even noticed. No one ever did. Shit, Adam hadn't even let him meet his boyfriend—hadn't even told him his _name_. Hadn't even bothered to mention moving out, either.

He felt like someone had punched him in the gut and kicked him in the balls, then twisted a red-hot poker in his chest and left him to rot in his own misery. "You are so fucking stupid," he said, "oh my God."

His therapist probably would've called him irrational, but fuck that shit. Adam was all he had, Adam was fucking leaving him, and it was probably all his own damn fault.

There wasn't enough alcohol in the world for his shitty pity party, he thought, and none of it was in his room anyway. Even the emergency flask he'd kept stashed away _forever_ had been emptied—and not into his liver—and replaced with boring, "calming" teas. "Thank you, Adam." He raised an invisible glass to the ceiling in a toast. "I do shit for you, and this is what I get." His arm felt heavy as he lifted it to flip the bird at Adam's window again, just because. Not much else he could do.

Lambert laughed, a low, bitter sound. Not much else he could do. Story of his goddamn life—hell, could it even be called a life?

God, he needed a drink. No, he needed to make another mess. He needed to fuck something up—if anything still held together. Ruining shit was all he ever did, after all.

With a groan, he pushed himself to his feet and stretched, trying to relieve sore muscles. "Fucking _ow_." The hard floor was as unkind to him as everyone else in his life, leaving him chilled and stiff, and the fucking landlady _still_ hadn't gotten his heat fixed. Even sweet little Adam couldn't coax her _or_ the maintenance dude back into this side of the apartment. Something about the skulls and spiky things everywhere seemed to intimidate people, for some reason. They were _cool_. Too many people needed backbones.

He bet they would send Adam's latest flower child screaming all the way back to Finland, too.

Speaking of backbones and backs, his _hurt_. "Oh, _ow_." He stretched as far as he could, arching his back until it popped. "Mother _fuck_." That helped some of the discomfort, and he moved on to his neck, massaging it until he realized that was a complete waste of time. What he needed was a hot masseur, or some really good painkillers. But, he had neither, so he gave up and rubbed his cold arms through his long sleeves, and searched for his coat. Oh, right. It was under the toppled chair, covered in cheese-drenched chicken burrito and Mexican rice. "Shit."

He made a frustrated, miserable noise, and he snatched his keys off the table and stalked toward Adam's room. Maybe Adam would have some alcohol, and if nothing else, plenty of cutesy shit to smash. And it wouldn't be freezing in there.

If anyone ever asked, he would deny swiping one of Adam's beloved cardigans when he got through the door, or that he held it to his nose, seeking Adam's familiar scent. Vanilla and the lavender candles. Vanilla and spicy things and earthy things and fruity things he couldn't name, but Adam definitely could, and the remnants of the other colognes and clean sweat and the makeup Adam loved to play with. He spotted a tiny line of pale foundation staining the brown wool, barely visible, but somehow cute. The answering pang was from indigestion, not longing or regret—it had to be—even though it came from nowhere near his stomach.

Those stupid candles flickering around him reminded him of fingers massaging lavender oil against his temples when he had one of his many headaches. He'd tried it himself, bought the same oil, rubbed the same way, and still hurt like hell after. Just like the coffee. Somehow, Adam's fresh coffee was magic, always made exactly how he liked it and served with a sweet laugh and, " _Poor baby,_ " when Lambert inevitably burned himself. His own merely tasted like coffee, even when he crept in and used Adam's stuff.

" _You're making it the same way I do,_ " Adam had insisted, after. " _Really. I promise._ "

" _It's not the sa—_ "

" _It_ ** _is_** _. Now, please—I have a date._ " Then, Adam had kissed Lambert on the cheek and hurried out, and as soon as the door closed, Lambert hurled the coffee pot at the wall.

Lambert closed his eyes, trying to keep the past at bay, but it wouldn't _leave_. Water on flushed skin, dripping from Adam's shower-wet hair to his collarbone, the hitches of breath as Lambert pinned him to the window and chased the droplets with his tongue. Lemony tea and a cuddle when he was being an utter _bitch_ over a cold, given as they watched infomercials because he couldn't stop coughing long enough to sleep. Painting each other's faces with elaborate makeup and dressing up in wild clothes, only to mess themselves up when Adam fucked him on the closet floor. God, Adam had looked so beautiful with Lambert's sparkling black lipstick smeared around his mouth.

Arms holding him like a cherished treasure. Lips kissing him until he couldn't breathe. Sex that was never yet another crude fuck.

Hell, someone wanting to touch him for more than a night was a marvel in itself.

They'd spent so much time lying in Adam's bed, with Adam smiling lazily at him, his head pillowed on Lambert's belly after they'd "made love." " _You're beautiful_ ," Adam always told him, and encircled Lambert's navel with tiny, gentle kisses.

" _You're fucked up_ ," Lambert would retort. " ** _Very_** _fucked up_." But Lambert would still pet that stupid, fluffy head until Adam fell asleep, always thinking Adam's grin meant he knew that Lambert said it fondly. Apparently, he'd been wrong.

Adam didn't even give him a chance to prove otherwise.

Perhaps sneaking into Adam's apartment had been a mistake. Still, Lambert slipped into the cozy cardigan, and wrapped his arms around himself, hugging himself tight. He shouldn't have had to do it himself. Adam was supposed to be there when people needed him, when _he_ needed him. Adam was the one who comforted everyone when they were upset. Adam wasn't the one who left people alone like this.

Apparently, "people" didn't include Lambert anymore.

He caught a glimpse of himself in the dark window, and he shook his head at himself. Such a mess. Bloated, pockmarked face covered in smeared eyeliner, bloodshot yellow eyes—who the fuck had yellow eyes, anyway?—giant ass, wild hair with its ginger roots showing. No wonder "people" didn't include him. And he was so _pale_ , too, and covered in all those awful freckles that somehow made Adam look cute. Adam was beautiful. Lambert was...not.

Alcohol. That was why he was there, he reminded himself, and headed for the kitchen. He rummaged through the cabinets, but came back empty handed. Nothing but food, almost all of it healthy. At least he found a jar of Nutella and two bars of fine dark chocolate hiding behind the steel-cut oats, so Adam wasn't a complete freak. He snagged the chocolate bars for when his body stopped its anxious bitching, and started to stuff them in his pockets, but froze when he caught a glimpse of his stomach.

"Ugh, seriously, dumbfuck?" The last thing he needed was candy. He dropped the bars on the counter, and squeezed small handfuls of his bulging belly until it hurt, grimacing in disgust. He'd been much bigger before, but that was then. His body was becoming a trainwreck _again_ , and had been getting worse since Adam dumped him. No one wanted that.

"God _dammit_." He wanted alcohol, not yet another round of self-flagellation. The two never mixed well, usually ending with complete destruction, a week spent hiding in bed with the covers pulled over his head, or a migraine that made him wish his brain would explode already—or all of the above. He returned the chocolate to its hiding place, and he wandered toward the refrigerator on his quest for booze, absently rubbing at the soreness his hands had left behind.

He stopped at the door, and he leaned his forehead against the cool metal, hoping to compose himself. Part of him hoped he wouldn't find anything. The other side told him to not give a fuck and just get drunk, because Adam didn't give a shit anymore, so why should he? He was just another loser, and Adam didn't need losers in his life. So, he opened the door, and looked around. The fridge was equally disappointing. Vegetables. Ugh. Vegetables everywhere, fresh greens and _ORGANIC_ this and _10,000% NATURAL_ that, a vast expanse of healthy, disgusting nothingness. His own fridge had even less in it, and it still held more actual _food_.

But at the back was a six-pack of bottles filled with unnaturally pink liquid that he hoped was alcoholic. He snagged a bottle, and wrinkled his nose. Strawberry daiquiri-flavored shit that barely had any alcohol at all, because Adam was a total _girl_. "Who drinks this shit?" Hell, he'd never even seen Adam with it. But it was there, along with five other bottles, and it was better than nothing. He grabbed the pack, and shut the door with his hip.

On the small chance of finding something else worth taking, he set the bottles on the counter, and he opened the freezer. His eyes went wide. "No ice cream?" He stared at the wasteland of frozen fruits and vegetables, and the lone tub of strawberry frozen yogurt that promised to be _JUST AS RICH AND CREAMY AS ICE CREAM!_ "What the actual _fuck_?" Okay, no, Adam _was_ a complete freak. Adam loved ice cream. Adam loved ice cream, and cheese, and chocolate, and either he had given that stuff up for good— _or for now_ , Lambert thought—or he had already mostly moved out, and Lambert hadn't noticed.

His bet was on the latter.

He slammed the door, sending a small puppy figurine from the top of the fridge to the floor. It didn't break, and he tamped down the urge to stomp it into tiny pieces. Instead, he left it alone, and tossed the bottle cap down beside it when he opened the first drink.

Perhaps stomping into the living room was overkill with no one around to hear it, and he was wasting a perfectly good bitchfit on bad alcohol and an empty room. He still plopped down hard on Adam's couch, then took a swig of Adam's specially-made-for-lightweights booze as he stretched out and got halfway comfortable. "Huh," he said, eying the vivid pink drink, "not bad." Not _good_ , either, but at least it tasted decent, far too sweet, but with an underlying alcohol sharpness. Mix it in with something stronger, and he could have a good party with a few cases of the shit.

 _That_ probably wouldn't taste good, if done right, but it would burn away the cold lump in his gut left by Adam's latest announcement.

"'You had to know I'd find someone someday,'" he repeated, in a mocking, sing-song voice, and took another drink. "The fuck?" And everyone called _him_ the nasty one. "Who the fuck says something like that to someone? Asshole." He glared at one of the nearby throw pillows, and gave it the middle finger. "Dick. Fuckwad. Douche." That wasn't nearly enough insults, but his brain refused to come up with anything more creative, except, "Douchebag. Douchenozzle. Fucking douchecanoe. _Finn-fucking_ douchecanoe!"

He took another drink. He was too fucking sober for this shit. Seriously. Even if he ended up with fatal alcohol poisoning, he would be too fucking sober for this shit.

"'You had to know I'd find someone someday.' 'I didn't plan to meet him.' Fuck you, bitch." He downed another deep swallow, ignoring his body's protests. "Why do I even want to live with you?" He gestured wildly at the empty room. "Why do I even care?"

God, he was as pathetic as Adam's taste in drinks.

He _so_ needed to get back at that bitch.

Yeah, he'd known the day would come when Adam found someone and moved out, and he wasn't surprised that it was this Sauli guy. He'd snooped through Adam's phone and computer enough to know why. Not only did he seem as cloyingly sweet as Adam and his frou-frou strawberry drinks, he was also a hot little thing. Lambert smirked at the memory of the "private" photos he'd found on Adam's laptop, buried in a "Calming Music" folder. The guy looked incredible naked, all lean muscles and tanned, tattooed skin, and a tight, biteable ass to go with a thick, uncut cock and a dirty, crooked smirk. And the way the guy had looked at Adam in one of those pictures— _God_. He'd hit that, too. He'd hit it _hard_.

He really needed to get laid. Or get revenge. Something. Both, at once?

That would be a good distraction—good payback, too. Sweet little Adam fucking _seethed_ whenever he came home with kiss-bruised lips, giant hickeys on his neck, and the filthy, wonderful _stank_ of sex and someone else all over yesterday's stained and rumpled clothes. But Adam probably wouldn't be back for a while, so he eyed the length of Adam's couch, and palmed his dick, thinking. He wasn't hard, but he could be if he tried. Then he could whip out his cock, jerk off all over Adam's immaculate couch, and leave Adam to wonder if the mysterious new stain was really what it looked like. Not the most _mature_ of plans, but that kind of shit was overrated anyway, especially at times like these. Desperate times, desperate measures, and all that shit.

But then Adam would get mad, and Adam really would leave. "Ugh." He slid down on the couch, head hitting the armrest hard. It hurt, but he didn't give a shit.

Adam held all the cards again—always had. Never him. "You dumbass," he said, to the distant reflection of his face in the darkened window, and couldn't muster more than a sigh. He looked defeated, felt even more so, and hated it. "What the fucking fuck?"

Something―or, rather, _someone_ ―was stomping on the heart he hadn't realized he had. That was infuriating enough. He should've been able to handle it. Adam had a life of his own, and Lambert was a separate part of it. No big deal. Adam did not have to consult him first when making big decisions like moving in with his latest True Love. Lambert wasn't being betrayed or anything. Adam didn't owe him a goddamn thing.

But it was happening so quickly.

"You're being pathetic," he told himself, but couldn't muster a single fuck to give. He'd been worse.

"'We can't do this forever.' What the fuck does that even _mean?_ " What was "this?" They did a lot together. They lived together, they...lived together? Lambert frowned. Was that all? Probably. They didn't fuck anymore, they didn't eat together, they barely even talked―hell, he'd barely even known Sauli had a name that wasn't "My Love" or "Hey, baby," until he'd gone snooping. And Adam hadn't even added him as a friend on his "secret" Facebook account.

They'd been close for a little while. Lambert missed it. No, Lambert missed Adam. Adam might've been a wuss and a total dork, but no one treated Lambert like Adam did. If that all went away because of someone else, he didn't know if he could take it.

He couldn't lose Adam. He _couldn't_. He was a big enough mess as it was―lonely and miserable, drinking pilfered drinks on someone else's couch without permission and considering jizzing on the cushions out of spite. God, loneliness used to _fit_ him. He was the epitome of the social loner, flitting around from person to person, not giving a fuck about making connections and always leaving a string of broken hearts in his wake. But somewhere along the line, he'd become a pathetic emo bitch.

Somewhere along the line, he started to _care._ About Adam. And, perhaps more frightening, he'd started to care about himself.

That was a sobering thought. He cared about Adam. He cared about _himself_. Once, he'd been an expert at self-destruction. He should've been out at a bar, or in some seedy hotel room fucking one of Adam's willing fanboys. Instead, he was in Adam's apartment, mooning over Adam and a life he couldn't have. He didn't do shit like this. He didn't change.

"Love changes you," Adam always said, and Lambert always answered with disgusted puke faces or laughter. He wasn't laughing now, but he did catch himself smiling. Fondly. Over Adam's sappy, hopeless optimism.

"Shit," he said. This was bad. Really fucking bad. Somehow, saving Adam, touching him, spending as much time with him as he could, paying attention to him..."Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_."

He wasn't sure if this was love, but it certainly felt like the complete opposite of hate. And, _God_. His stomach and heart did backflips, and then both plummeted through the floor. Holy shit. Holy fucking _shit_.

He drained the bottle in several quick, long swallows and tossed it aside, and he got up and began to pace, trying to think. Alarms blared inside his head, and, yeah, he really was panicking, wasn't he?

Adam was leaving him. Adam was leaving him, and he loved Adam, and he couldn't let that happen, and he wasn't sure which thing he should stop. Love made things better, love fucked things up, love turned him into an obnoxious shell of himself. He could shut Adam out again, could try to piss him off to the point where they never spoke again...

Yeah, right. He snorted. Like that would work. He'd nearly killed Adam, and was still given a copy of the idiot's keys afterward, was still invited into the idiot's bed afterward. They'd kissed, and they'd fucked, and Adam had called him beautiful, had cherished him, had held him like he _mattered_. When everyone else had given up on him, Adam _didn't_. Adam always came back.

This was different. This was new. Adam had met someone, and, suddenly, Lambert didn't matter anymore. Adam was so _happy_ , glowing like a fucking lovestruck teenage girl. It would've been funny if it didn't make Lambert's empty chest ache so much.

Adam was in love. Truly in love—sickeningly happy, and so fucking beautiful. And it was slowly driving Lambert crazy. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, could hardly go a day without a migraine or an upset stomach tearing him to pieces. Doctors' tests told him nothing was wrong, his shrink told him to examine his thoughts, his thoughts told him he was fucked up beyond repair. Adam was happy, and Lambert wanted Adam to share it with _him_.

He sank down on Adam's soft, familiar bed, and dropped his head in his hands. "I want a boy, too," he murmured, and despised himself for it. And he had no chance at getting the one he wanted.

Except, perhaps, he did. He knew Adam. He had the advantage over any boy Adam brought home. They weren't even brothers—they shared blood and bodies and memories, far more than a mere life together. He knew what Adam wanted, what Adam _needed_. It sure as fuck wasn't someone like him, but that could change. If he tried hard enough, he could be the one Adam loved.

That seemed selfish. He thought about Adam and his boy, how much Adam glowed when he talked about this one. He'd wrecked Adam's relationships before, had deliberately driven away a lengthy list of exes, had accidentally driven away even more, even when they were one instead of two. But Adam hadn't smiled over a guy this much in years, and the idea of ruining that felt too nasty, too wrong.

Could he have them both? He doubted it. Sauli had never met him, and Adam had a possessive streak as big as Lambert's, if not bigger. Adam's relationships were Adam's alone, and he and Lambert both were strictly monogamous. They even had an unwritten rule—neither of them were allowed to interfere with the other's relationship anymore.

Lambert was an asshole—no use in denying _that_. He hurt people. He broke hearts. And he would _not_ drag Adam down with him. Killing Adam's joy was something he didn't want to do.

He needed a plan, and he needed to be drunk. But time was running out. Adam had fucked off to somewhere―with Sauli, no doubt―during Lambert's tantrum. They'd jumped from one-night-stand to let's-move-in in three fucking months; there was no telling how soon they'd find that perfect place to shack up together, and then spend the rest of their lives raising a hundred babies and puppies.

Without him.

He needed this. He _wanted_ this. Forget all that scary, stupid love crap―didn't he always go after what he wanted? But when he thought about trying for this, he saw sad blue-gray eyes, a kicked-puppy pout, and even more nights alone in his cold, hard bed. He saw no more Adam, saw darkness through the shared window, saw destruction and anger and tears.

He flopped back on the mattress and stared at the ceiling. "You can't leave me," he begged, though no one was listening. What he needed was a way to make that true—a reason to make Adam want _him_.

It might not end badly. He could also see plump, freckled lips a breath away from his own, a smile meant just for him, clear blue-gray eyes staring at him with sickening fondness. And Lambert smiled.

Adam was so easy to fall in love with. He was sweet and guileless and funny, clever, creative, and a really fucking annoying hippie, but so goddamn endearing. And Adam was _beautiful_ , all warm and pure and sunshine bright—and, God, was he thinking about a frilly table lamp or his kind and gorgeous double?

 _Everyone who meets him falls a little in love with Adam_ , he'd been told once. He was supposed to be immune to that shit.

Adam said everyone deserved love, though. Surely that meant him, too?

He'd have to be good—no, he'd have to be _great_. No more taunting, no more bitching, no more stolen food or booze or credit cards. He'd have to woo Adam, win Adam, deserve Adam. There would be sweetness, if he could manage it. There would be dating. There would be gifts and comfort and _love_. He'd have to fake it for a bit, or maybe fake it the whole time. He'd have to open himself up. Let someone else in. Be _vulnerable_.

His insides clenched with fear again, anxious nausea hitting him hard. He forced it aside and pushed himself to his feet, and stretched, popping joints and loosening tight muscles. As he moved, he caught another glimpse of himself in the window, all long, arched body and mussed makeup and bright yellow eyes. Not that bad, he thought, wiping the black streaks from his cheeks. Without that stupid cardigan and that pale belly protruding slightly beneath his shirt, he'd almost look hot. He struck a pose, hip cocked, lips pursed, stomach sucked in as far as it would go, and he slid a hand down and cupped the firm bulge of his awesome dick.

Not too bad at all. His lips curved in a satisfied smile. He'd hit that, too. Hell, Adam already had.

He reached down and picked up the discarded bottle, and carried it to the trash can in the kitchen, making a note of the brand before he tossed it. Might be good for a party someday. Then, he went back into the main room, sprawled across Adam's bed, and pulled out his dick. Even after the life changing revelations, he still had to get his revenge _somehow_ , and Adam's bed was actually comfortable enough to jack off in. He would clean up afterward this time, though, and then do something nice for Adam. Maybe.

That was a start, at least?

  



	2. Chapter 2

Adam did not enjoy mornings, but few things were as wonderful as waking up in someone else's arms. He snuggled in, and nuzzled Sauli's freckled nose, making Sauli chuckle. "Awake already?" Adam murmured.

"No," Sauli said.

"Liar." Not giving a damn about morning breath, Adam kissed him.

Adam loved many things, but _lazy morning kisses_ ranked high on his Happymaking Things List. Like moving in slow motion, Sauli's full lips slid easily against his own, hot and yielding and wonderful. Adam closed his eyes, and he moved on feel alone. No urgency, no demand, only gentle, languid kissing. Perfect.

Sauli pulled away, and said, "Hello," voice still rough-edged, but cheerful, and rolled on top of Adam.

Adam sighed happily, and wrapped his arms around Sauli. "Hey there," he said, his eyes fluttering open, only to fall shut again as Sauli's fingers began combing gently through his hair. "Mmm." He almost purred. "Yeah, keep doing that. Good morning."

"Very good morning," Sauli agreed, and Adam could hear the smile in his voice. Adam revised his mental list, moving _Waking up to someone who's happy to see you_ above _Morning kisses_.

 _Having someone who loves you_ stayed at the top.

He let his hands roam, tracing the smooth plane of Sauli's back with his palms. It would be easy to stay like this forever, he thought, to spend the rest of his life exploring the flexing lines of lean muscles beneath warm skin and studying the curve of Sauli's ass. Adam stroked and squeezed the firm flesh, and Sauli pushed back against his hands, urging him on with approving hums.

They could tell the world to fuck off for a bit. They could hang on to this rare peace with everything.

Sauli's hands slid down Adam's neck, then he nipped Adam's lip and soothed it with a brief swipe of tongue. Before Adam could pull him back in, Sauli slipped free of his grasp and sat back on his knees, straddling Adam's thighs. Adam raised his eyebrows, curious.

"I wanted to see more," Sauli said, and dragged his fingertips down Adam's chest, trailing them through the coarse, light hair. Then, he whispered something Adam couldn't hear, smiling fondly.

"What did you say?" Adam asked.

Sauli held a finger over his lips, and said, "Shh. Secret."

"Oh. Okay." Adam's lips curved into a smile. "Is it about me?"

"I am not supposed to tell." Sauli looked at him with wide, serious eyes. "But it is about someone who is very special. He has a beautiful heart." Sauli's hand drifted lower, short nails raising goosebumps over Adam's stomach. "And a cute little tum." Adam inhaled a shuddering breath, and his muscles twitched as Sauli traced formless patterns across sensitive skin. "An incredibly sexy body. And he always—" He drew another shape on Adam's hip, a smiley face. "—makes me happy."

"Aw." Adam beamed, and took Sauli's wandering hand in his and raised it to his lips. "Love you," he said, and pressed kisses to the pad of each finger, then to Sauli's palm. "Do you want—"

He was interrupted by his phone, playing Gaga's "Monster." He cringed. "Sorry."

"Lambert?" Sauli asked, and grabbed Adam's phone.

"Who else?" Reluctantly, Adam accepted the call, stabbing at the screen with unnecessary force. Ignoring it didn't occur to him until he'd already said, "Hello?"

"You two make any plans for breakfast?" Lambert asked, words coming in a rush. "Cancel 'em."

"I...we didn't have any plans," he said, cautiously. Sauli rolled off of him and onto his side, and rested his hand on Adam's chest. "Why?"

He could almost hear Lambert shrug. "Wanna meet the new fucktoy?" Lambert said, chomping loudly on something—gum, probably. Somehow, in the warm haze of morning, it seemed more endearing than irritating. "See if he qualifies. High standards, and all that shit."

"At..." Adam turned to see the clock, and winced. "It's six-thirty in the morning." He yawned. "Did you even sleep?"

"Did _you?_ "

Adam took that as a no. "Hon, what were you doing?"

"I, um..." Lambert dragged out the word, "may have been cleaning your room a bit?" He took a sip of something; Adam hoped it was coffee.

"A bit?" He couldn't keep the apprehension from his voice. His room had been clean when he'd left.

There was a long pause. "More than a bit."

"Oh, god." Adam could picture it. Lambert's idea of _clean_ meant dirt swept under rugs, dust moved from shelves to the floor, clothes both dirty and clean shoved into the deepest closet. Who knew what he would go home to later?

He pinched the bridge of his nose in anticipation of the crippling migraine Lambert was sure to give him before the end of the day. "Cleaning?" Adam asked, and Sauli kissed his shoulder and began tracing his fingers in light circles over Adam's stomach. "You?"

"Hey, I'm fucking good at it," Lambert snapped. "See?" Something squeaked, like a finger rubbing across something perfectly cleaned, and he heard Lambert take another drink. "I just don't give a shit most of the time."

 _Why do I want him again?_ Adam mouthed to Sauli. Sauli snickered, the fucker, and Adam noticed the path of his hand was drifting lower and lower. Adam scowled. "And you gave a shit...wh—oh _God_." Adam's voice broke as Sauli's fingers wrapped around his cock and gave it a long, firm stroke.

Adam covered the phone and whispered, "What are you _doing?_ " Sauli's bland look was anything but innocent. "Oh my God, I swear, I am going to pack you in a box and ship you back to Finland." With an amused and evil grin, Sauli nipped his arm, and Adam hissed. "A very _tiny_ box."

"I know, right? What the fuck?" Lambert asked, just as Sauli leaned in and murmured, "I am anything but tiny," and licked the shell of Adam's ear.

For a moment, Lambert had Adam confused. "Wait, what?"

"I'm also fixing breakfast," Lambert added, and if Sauli hadn't chosen that moment to drag his thumb over the head of Adam's cock, Adam might have died laughing. Instead, he bit his lip, fighting to hold back a groan and failing, and bucked into Sauli's hand. "Adam? You okay?"

Lambert actually sounded concerned. "Fine," Adam choked out, unable to ignore the loose, lazy strokes around his cock. He drew in a deep, shaky breath, trying to find control, but it came out in a rush as Sauli's other hand found his defenseless nipple and began to play. "Just...trying not to murder Sauli. And you can cook?"

Before Lambert could answer, Sauli yelled, "You are welcome to come join us!" Sputtering in surprise, Adam dropped the phone, and Sauli laughed. "I have a very large bed!"

Adam barely heard Lambert shout back, "Is that a serious offer?" as he fumbled for the phone. "'Cause I ain't that kind of girl, honey. I don't just put out for—"

"You put out for anything that wants you," Adam said, and Lambert let out an indignant huff. "Lying is wrong, remember? We had this lesson."

"Meh, who gives a fuck? _Wrong_ doesn't always mean _bad_ , y'know?" Lambert lowered his voice, and said, "Sometimes _wrong_ and _bad_ are really, really good," in a deep, sultry tone that went straight to Adam's cock. "And really, _really_ sexy. You like sexy things, don't you, Adam?"

Adam nearly moaned.

"But you don't usually share your toys—not willingly, anyway. Do you? And yet..." Lambert laughed, seemingly oblivious to Adam's discomfort. "Some people would say what you're suggesting is wrong as fuck. Hell, _you_ said 'no threesomes' yesterday. Now..."

And, like that, it hit Adam. They were having this discussion, long before he'd expected it. Long before he'd had enough coffee for it. "It's..." He swallowed, trying to regain control of his pounding heart and aching cock. "It's not really sharing if, like...everyone's the toy, is it?"

"Are you serious?" The line went silent for a moment, then suddenly, Lambert _shrieked_ with laughter. "Oh my _God!_ I thought you guys were kidding! If I'd known getting into bed with you two would be this fucking easy..." He trailed off into gales of laughter. Adam heard a loud thump on the other line, followed by, "Ow!" The laughing didn't stop. "I just fell off the couch 'cause of you sluts! But oh my God!" Lambert sniffled melodramatically. "Oh my God, Adam, you dirty bitch, I am so, so proud of you right now—you have _no idea!_ "

Adam huffed. "Yeah, yeah, you've corrupted me, muahahaha, sure, whatever. Are we talking about the same thing, or—" Adam batted Sauli's creeping hand away from his cock, and asked, "Us—the three of us, together? I didn't even ask—is that what—how did you—"

"You, me, and Sowliiiiilily make three? _Duh_. What else would I mean? And I should say 'no,' shouldn't I? Just to fuck with you." Something in Lambert's tone sounded off, and it nagged at the edge of Adam's mind. "But then I won't get to actually _fuck with you_ , and that would be sad. Tragic, even."

"Besides," Lambert went on, airily, "I haven't even met your new guy yet. I may not want to play with him."

There. He _knew_ Lambert, well enough to tell if he was truly as amused as he seemed. He wasn't.

"You'll like him," Adam insisted. "He's a—" Sauli's hand cupped Adam's balls, and Adam sucked in a breath that turned to a choked moan as those fucking fingers began to tease him again. "—Devious little shit. Listen, I've gotta go. Call back in an hour?"

"Bitch, please." Adam could almost hear Lambert roll his eyes. "You're not even gonna last half that long."

"Longer than you do," Adam replied, with feigned sweetness, and Lambert let out a sharp laugh. "I know how to control my— _fuck_ —excitement."

Sauli seemed determined to test that theory to its limit, reaching over to play with Adam's other nipple, kindling the want smoldering in Adam's belly. He let go long enough to climb on Adam again, and stretched along the length of Adam's body, grinning like he'd won some huge award. Such a bastard, Adam thought, a dirty little amazing bastard whose warm weight felt wonderful on Adam's belly and cock. Then, the bastard took Adam's balls in hand again, and replaced the fingers on Adam's chest with his hot, wet mouth.

Lambert's chuckle was dark. "Oh, I bet," he drawled, as teeth grazed over Adam's nipple. Adam couldn't hold back a gasp. "I bet you're so hard you feel like you're dying, and he probably hasn't paid a bit of attention to your dick."

"You're— _God_." Sauli bit down gently, and Adam hissed at the sharp jolt, thrusting up against him. "Wrong."

"Hallelujah, amen, bow before me, oh pitiful mortals." Lambert scoffed. "Like we didn't already know that. I am omniscient, I am your gay messiah, I—"

"Am completely wrong," Adam finished, but it came out shaky, uncertain. He tried to regain his control, to level his breathing, to find his inner balloon thing, _anything_ , but all he think of was the burn in his belly and the throb in his cock and the electric spark of nerves fueling both.

"So, are you gonna fuck him already, or is he gonna fuck you?" He heard Lambert lick his lips. "I kinda wanna see that, not even gonna lie. You lying back, legs spread all wide and slutty, your teeny little blond licking you open, then fucking your big, freckled ass through the mattress 'til you think the bed's gonna break..."

 _God_. Adam's mouth was dry, and his hand was wrapped around his cock. When did that happen? He swallowed, but it didn't help. "I top," he said, weakly, and was met with laughter in his ear and against his chest.

"You'll bottom when he asks, and you know it—especially since you love him. And maybe you'll break first." Adam could see it unfold, and he _craved_ it. "Maybe you know how happy it's making your guy, and—God, you are so predictable—that gets you hotter than anything. He wants you, he _loves_ you—you and your sweet round ass and everything else; you are the ride of his fucking _life_. He bites your shoulder to muffle how fucking noisy he is, 'cause I know you like 'em enthusiastic as hell, and that's it. You're fucking _gone_ , and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Not that you'd try anyway."

Adam stopped breathing.

"I _really_ want to see that."

"That..." He glanced down at Sauli, his gaze meeting wide, darkened eyes and gaping lips. He swallowed. "You've, um." He cleared his throat. "Given this some thought, then?"

"Of course." Lambert chuckled. He sounded like it was _nothing_ , the fucker. "We are so doing this. I may even let you do that to me again if you start keeping better drinks around."

The mood was broken. Adam frowned with confusion. Drinks? He kept all of his stashed at Sauli's...oh. "Those strawberry things? Those aren't mine."

"Oh, thank fuck! No one drinks those."

"Pretty sure they're yours, actually." Adam wiped the sweat from his brow. Fuck. "You brought 'em over just to mock 'em one night. Called them—what was it?" God, he couldn't remember, and didn't really care to, but he wished he had one now. "You're not drunk right now?"

"I am not drunk now," Lambert replied. Adam believed him. "That shit wouldn't get me drunk anyway."

"And you're not going to destroy anything when you're making breakfast?"

"Well, I may toss some of this green shit in the trash like God intended—seriously, are you a fucking rabbit or something now? Or are you fucking one? 'Cause if you are, _girl_ —"

"That's kale," he said. "Yes, people actually _do_ eat it, and, no, you're not throwing it out."

"Kale? All of it?"

"Spinach, too. And lettuces. And other stuff." Adam chuckled. Lambert would come around on vegetables eventually, but until then... "You know what? We'll take care of breakfast—and we'll pick you up some donuts or something. In an hour."

"Thirty minutes," Lambert insisted. "Twenty, tops. And make that chocolate croissants. And really good coffee."

"An _hour_. I'm hanging up now," Adam said, laughing, and he did, and pushed his phone away, not caring when it slid off the bed and hit the floor. " _You_ ," he said, rolling over and pinning Sauli beneath his weight, "are a huge pain in the ass."

He grabbed Sauli's wrists and held them above his head, and Sauli smiled smugly and wriggled against him, rubbing their cocks together, giving him a taste of friction that wasn't enough. "I hope you are a pain in _my_ ass."

Adam stared at him in disbelief, then groaned at the pun. "That was _bad_. Waste of a perfectly good mouth."

"Yes." Sauli's face turned solemn, and he nodded in agreement, but his serious expression was as unconvincing as his innocence. "It definitely has much better uses than talking."

Adam chuckled. "It really does, cheeseball," he said, and kissed him. "You've been hanging around me too much."

"It's worth it," Sauli said, and the warmth of his smile curled in Adam's chest. Adam kissed him again,deep and insistent, all tangled tongues and swallowed moans and the grind of hips between them. He could easily kiss Sauli forever, but there were much better uses for a writhing, desperate boyfriend than fucking his hot mouth with his tongue. He let go, and he slid down the length of Sauli's body, settling between his legs.

Call him cheesy or a pervert, but it was one of his favorite places in the world. Adam let himself _look_ , drinking in the view. Wanting eyes, black pupils blown wide, consuming clear blue. A swipe of pink tongue over kiss-red lips, wet and gaping as he inhaled heavy breaths. A line of blond hair running from his navel down, to curl around the base of his flushed and beautiful cock.

And it was all his, whenever he wanted. He could kiss, he could hold, he could smell and taste and _feel_. He could make Sauli laugh with a light touch to his sides, could make him groan with a bite on his neck, could make him squirm away by doing anything to his navel. He didn't know this body like his own, not yet, but he wanted to, and he had plenty of time to learn.

"I love looking at you," Adam said, and trailed his fingers along the sharp jut of a glorious hipbone.

Sauli chuckled. "This is news?"

"No." Adam leaned in for a taste, biting the delicate skin stretched over that fucking hipbone, and savoring the answering gasp. He sucked on the bite, chased the warmth and the salt-edged flavor of skin, made sure to leave a mark. "But I don't want you to forget." Then, he left another, higher, and a hand tangled in his hair, tugging it insistently.

"Are you going to—"

"Soon," Adam replied, and blew cool air over the damp, bright marks. Sauli made a strangled noise, all frustration and desperation and encouragement, and it hit Adam inside, coiled tight and hot within. "What do you want me to do? What do you need?"

"More."

"More?" Adam chuckled. "A little more specific, please?"

Sauli muttered something in exasperated Finnish that was probably profane, then said, " _More_. Your mouth."

"Where? Here?" Adam bit down again, low on Sauli's stomach, and Sauli sucked in a sharp breath and shook his head. "Or how 'bout here?" He licked Sauli's thigh, and Sauli slapped the mattress and growled in annoyance. "No? Maybe this?" He licked Sauli's cock, a short swipe of tongue from base to tip, and Sauli nodded vigorously.

"Yes. There. Suck?"

Adam grinned, and kissed the head. "Of course." He started to take Sauli into his mouth, but Sauli stopped him.

"You always do that," he said, giving Adam a quizzical look. "You love my cock?"

"I love your cock," Adam confirmed, and kissed it again, and licked the salt-bitter wetness from its tip. "And every inch of you. I want to kiss all of it. It's a goal."

"I like your goal." Sauli ruffled Adam's hair, and stroked it lovingly. "I may have to take it myself."

"Yeah?" Sauli hummed in assent. "You're fucking amazing."

"And amazing at fucking, I hope?"

"Oh yeah." Adam laughed, and nodded. " _Very_." Then, he took Sauli's hard cock in his mouth and swallowed it down. Sauli swore, and Adam chuckled, the vibrations making him swear again. Lambert was right—he _did_ like his boyfriends to be enthusiastic, and Sauli fit the bill perfectly. Adam loved giving him everything, just to hear him moan shamelessly.

He slid his mouth along the length of Sauli's cock, a bare brush of touch to drive Sauli mad. It worked. " _More_ ," Sauli pleaded, as Adam licked a broad, slow swipe upward, and then sank down again, sucking slightly. This was something he lived for, and he savored it—the weight between his lips, the stretch of his jaw, the demanding sounds Sauli made with every quick flick of tongue. Adam closed his eyes and lost himself to the heady smell and taste of skin and sex. Sauli was sensitive, more so than his other lovers, and responded to every touch. A shameless moan and arch of hips when Adam took him in deep. A tortured whine and a bitter "Fuck!" when he pulled back again.

Sauli grabbed Adam's hair, gripped it hard, urging him on, wanting to fuck Adam's hot, wet mouth. Adam didn't let him. He pinned Sauli's slim hips to the bed with his hands, and he sucked, hard and slow, fighting the urge to smile as Sauli growled his name like a curse. He knew what Sauli was feeling, all tight heat and consuming touch, so close and so far it hurt. His own body burned with need, his cock throbbed, but he loved it, loved wringing those sounds from Sauli's throat, loved making him struggle and thrash beneath him.

Loved knowing that Sauli would have no complaints after, even as he begged, "God, Adam, please, _fuck_ ," and yanked his hair.

Again, he pulled back, stopping at the head to tease the delicate foreskin. Sauli's hands fell from his hair, and Sauli let out a pained groan and tried to thrust his hips. "Mm-mm," Adam chided, and was sure Sauli's reply meant something like " _Bastard_."

"Payback," Adam said, and went down on him again. But this time, he sped up, and took Sauli's balls in hand. He toyed with them, breaking the stuttered rhythm of his mouth as he slid his fingers over them, and Sauli swore louder, harder, and babbled a litany of "yes" and "fuck" and Adam's name.

With every word, with every suck, his own cock grew harder, his nerves so on edge he thought they'd snap. He pulled away, brushing off Sauli's protest with, "Lube, _now_ ," and dove across the bed toward the nightstand. His hands shook, his mind raced, and, fuck, he couldn't find it, couldn't..." _Shit!_ We left it—"

"By the couch?" Sauli asked.

"No, no, we didn't have it in there. Dammit, where did we—?" Adam remembered. "The kitchen!" He hopped off the bed, and stumbled against the nightstand, banging his hip on the corner. "Ow, _fuck!_ "

Sauli _laughed_.

"It's not funny!" Adam insisted, walking backwards out the door. Luck was not on his side. He tripped over an out-of-place shoe and hit the floor, ass first. He yelped in pain, and Sauli cackled. "Seriously! Not funny!"

"Not funny," Sauli said, through his laughter. " _Hilarious_."

"Oh, _fuck you_." Adam gave Sauli the finger, and tried to collect some semblance of his annihilated dignity as he pushed himself to his feet. His hip stung, his ass _hurt_ , his boner was wilting, and, God, he was gonna bruise like crazy. "I hate you," he said, rubbing his ass and grimacing at the angry red mark on his hip. "Never having sex before coffee again, oh my God."

"Adam." Adam jerked his head up sharply, and Sauli nodded toward the door. "Go—" He doubled over with laughter again, the jerk, and Adam glared. Sauli shook his head. "Stop pouting, and go _slowly_ to get the lube so you can fuck me, please."

"'m not pouting," Adam insisted, glaring harder, trying to make Sauli feel the force of his wrath. Sauli snickered.

"You look like this." Sauli narrowed his eyes, scrunched his nose, and stuck out his bottom lip. Inside, Adam huffed, and insisted that he absolutely _didn't_ , thank you very much. "It is not intimidating. Now go, and do not kill yourself on the way." He reached down and stroked his cock, and gave Adam a heated look. Adam's ire melted away. "I want you."

"I'll be careful," he promised, and with exaggerated caution, Adam tiptoed out the door.

When he reached the kitchen, he spotted the box of condoms immediately, by the espresso maker, and snatched them off the counter. However, the lube eluded him. He whined in frustration, and tossed the box of condoms back down, not caring when a few spilled out and fell to the floor. "Dammit, where is it?"

Adam looked around the room, cursing to himself as the lube continued to not magically appear before his eyes. The colorful bottles of expensive olive oils seemed to mock him, as did the tub of shortening, and even the empty butter dish in the draining rack and the hand lotion Sauli kept beside the sink. So many slick things, and none were what he wanted, and it was far too early in the morning for that kind of bullshit.

"I haven't even had my coffee yet," he bitched. "Come _on_."

He was about to give up and make coffee, then grab a random bottle of oil, not caring if they mixed badly with latex, when he finally spotted the lube, barely peeking out from behind the juicer. "Of course." He shook his head and laughed, and inside his mind, a jubilant chorus sang a ballad of epic victory. "There you are," he said, grinning, and bounced over to retrieve it, then gave the side of the bottle a loud, smacking kiss. "Mwah! Never leave me again!"

Hurrying back would not be a good idea, he figured—not with his luck—so he walked slowly toward the bedroom, suppressing his urge to run and proclaim his triumph. On his way through the living room, something caught his eye. He took a step back, and his face broke into a grin. Sauli's computer had been left on, and the wallpaper was showing. He hadn't noticed it last night. It was a picture of them, taken by one of Adam's friends at a party, and they were smiling at each other, love shining in their eyes.

"Oh my God," he said, a warm, happy glow spreading through his chest. "Aww!" They looked good together. Adam hoped they stayed that way.

"Are you still alive?" Sauli shouted, breaking the spell.

"No!" Adam replied, but he was already heading back. "This is my ghost talking! Sorry!" He glanced at the picture one last time, and smiled again, then hurried toward the bedroom.

"Got 'em," he said, and waved the supplies, then tossed them onto the bed.

"Thank God," Sauli replied. "I was starting to wonder—" He suddenly trailed off, and eyed Adam curiously as he climbed into the bed. "That smile. What did you do?"

Adam ducked his head, suddenly feeling shy as he crawled on his knees to Sauli's side. "I saw your wallpaper," he said. "On your computer."

"Oh." Worry flickered across Sauli's face, and he pushed himself up. "What did you—"

Adam cut him off with a kiss, deep and hot and tender, saying everything he couldn't. Sauli smiled into it, and brushed his fingers over Adam's cheek. They broke apart, panting, and Adam leaned his forehead against Sauli's. "I love you," he whispered. "So, so much. I hope what we're doing isn't a mistake. I never want to lose you. Please—"

"You won't," Sauli replied, with complete conviction. "This _is_ going to work."

Adam believed him. "Good." He stretched out on his side, leaning his head on his hand, and answered Sauli's puzzled look with, "What you mentioned last night—wanting to fuck me?"

"Yes?" Sauli's face turned hopeful. "You want..."

" _Yes_." He rolled onto his stomach, and tried to get comfortable. Lambert had put the idea into his head, and with Sauli, he wanted to try everything. This was a start. "I don't usually do this, but—" He cut off with an uneasy laugh, and Sauli shushed him.

Silence settled between them. He could hear his heart pounding, could hear their heavy breaths, but neither of them said a word. Then, fingers ghosted over his back and traced across his skin, following the length of his spine. If not for the hot tension in his nerves and the insistent throb between his legs, it would've been soothing. So, Adam broke the silence. "Baby?"

"Hm?"

"When you gonna..." He trailed off, and shifted his hips, blatantly offering his ass.

"You are impatient." Sauli gave his ass a playful swat, but it the tender part of his skin, stinging more than it should. Adam hissed, and ground against the mattress, the sudden shock of pain hitting deep and hot. "Oh," Sauli said, voice gone low. "Did you—"

"God," Adam groaned, "just do something, _please?_ "

"Yes, but would you like me to do this?" Sauli caressed Adam's ass, his touch gentle and reverent across sensitive skin, but not enough. "Or this?"

Sauli's hand came down with a resounding smack, and Adam shouted, "Fuck!" and thrust his ass back, demanding more.

"You like?"

Adam nodded vigorously. "Yes, please." His body ached for touch, _begged_ for touch. "Gonna go—oh." Sauli's hand hit his ass again, and again, and Adam whimpered, and pushed his ass higher. "—crazy, anything, please."

"No one does this to you, do they?" Sauli spanked him again, and again, and Adam gasped and shook his head. "You are sweet and wonderful. You never do anything to deserve it." His hand came down again, and Adam's eyes watered. His ass burned hot, a deep, stinging throb, and Adam had never liked pain, but it was good, so fucking good, and all he wanted was touch and more and _now_. "But who says you have to be bad, hm? Sometimes," he ran his hand over Adam's ass, "you just need. And this is not bad."

"No one's—" Adam began, but then Sauli climbed on top of him, and the shifting mattress rubbed against Adam's cock. "Fuck. No one's ever done it to me."

"I don't usually do it." Sauli settled between his legs, and Adam heard the snap of him opening the lube, then felt a trickle of cool liquid down the cleft of his ass. "But your skin. So pretty. So pale. I can see every—"

"I did it to Lambert."

"Oh?" Sauli slipped a finger between Adam's cheeks, and Adam spread his legs wider. "Tell me?"

"It was supposed to be a joke. He—" Adam made a broken noise as Sauli's finger trailed over his hole, then dipped slightly in. His words came out breathless, mind distracted by that fucking finger. "—was being a dick, so I— _fuck._ " Sauli pushed in deep, and began to fuck him with it, maddeningly slow. Adam struggled to breathe. "I threw him over my knees, and—oh, God—" He could hardly find his words, not with that finger diving in and sliding out, slow and slick and easy. "Hairbrush. I used a hairbrush."

"And then?"

"We—" Adam broke off with a whimper, fists clenching in the sheets as Sauli's finger found that place inside, driving him even crazier. "In a dressing room. I ended up fucking him on the floor before I went onstage."

"Mm." Sauli pulled out, then thrust in two fingers, the stretching burn making Adam's breath catch. "I bet you were beautiful together," Sauli said, sliding his fingers in and out. It wasn't enough, not nearly enough. "I can't wait to see..."

"He got me to fuck him by a mirror once." His words came out wrecked, but he kept going. "It was amazing. He— _oh_." Sauli added a third finger, stretching him, and Adam gasped out, "Harder." Sauli obliged. "He's so beautiful, baby, you don't even know. I loved watching him, I love watching you, and you probably don't wanna hear about any of this..."

"One of you is wonderful, but picturing _two_ of you?" Sauli crooked his fingers, finding that spot again, and Adam saw stars. "Breathtaking."

"Oh, _God_ ," Adam said, and wasn't sure if it was from the fingers sliding roughly in and out of his hole, or the images, or the _acceptance_. He thrust back, urging Sauli on, and shamelessly rutted against the sheets. "You like the idea?"

"Yes!" Sauli pulled his hand free, and Adam whined—fucking _whined_ —at the loss. Then, Sauli ripped open a condom, and the lube made a wet sound as he squeezed more out. "Up."

He patted Adam's side, and Adam pushed himself up on shaking limbs.

"I need to see the two—" Sauli broke off as he pushed inside, and Adam made a noise that was almost like a sob, eyes clenching shut, hands clutching the sheets so tight his fingers hurt. God, it had been so long since anyone had done this; even Lambert hadn't done it. He couldn't think, couldn't speak, could only fight to breathe through the exquisite burn. "You okay?"

Adam replied with a nod, and an embarrassingly squeaky, "Yes." Sauli felt huge inside him, larger than reality, and knocked the air from Adam's lungs when he plunged in all the way.

Adam really wasn't used to this.

Sauli seemed to realize that. He moved slowly, pulling out and barely sliding in, a hand rubbing Adam's thigh in comforting strokes. "It is okay," he murmured in Adam's ear, then kissed his shoulder. "I do not want to hurt you."

"It doesn't hurt. It's just kinda—" Adam took a deep breath, and tried to get used to the sensation. "Wow." It _did_ hurt, but it was a good pain, bright and intense and amazing and somehow not enough. It was all he could feel, all he _wanted_ to feel. He moaned.

"Good?"

Adam shook his head. " _More_. I need you to..." Sauli thrust in deep, hitting just right. "That." Adam groaned. "God, harder."

Sauli obliged. He began to thrust in earnest, burying himself and pulling back just as hard, each reverberating through Adam's sensitized nerves. Sauli found a quick, relentless pace, and Adam breathed "God" and "yes" and "please" between his gasps for air. His lungs ached, his body burned, and all he wanted was more, faster, harder, _now_. "Please," he begged. "Please, please, please, please."

Above him, Sauli was losing control. Fingers dug into Adam's skin, short nails sharp in the tight grip, driven deeper with each thrust. The rhythm began breaking, the snap of hips and slide of cock pounding into him in short bursts, slow drags, harsh and punishing fucks that made Adam whimper and groan. Sauli's breath came in gasps, as ragged and wrecked as Adam's, amidst a broken litany of swears that hit deep and hot in Adam's gut. Sauli was close, so fucking close, and Adam was getting him there.

"C'mon, baby," Adam said. "Come on, come on, come on."

"So—" Sauli broke off with a groan. " _God_."

"Hand. Touch me. I—" He couldn't do it himself, not with muscles drawn so tight he trembled, not when he needed everything just to remember how to breathe. But then Sauli's hand was on him, wrapped loose around his cock, brushing across his skin, good and perfect and too fucking much and too fucking little, and he was right _there_.

Adam didn't think after that.

♦

They shared a long, hot shower together, getting themselves dirty again as they cleaned themselves. Sauli had such good hands, and he used them well, fingering Adam's abused hole as he stroked Adam's cock, wringing rough, animal noises from Adam's throat that sounded impossibly loud inside the small shower.

Sauli's chest was covered in scratches after, and Adam soothed them apologetically with kisses and licks, then got to his knees and sucked Sauli off, fucking him with his fingers as he did.

Sauli's hands were totally going on his List.

Once clean, they kissed until the water ran cold, too fucked-out to do more. It was going to be an amazing day.

Unable to resist sharing his joy, he made " _My heart is SO full!!! LOVE! :)_ " his status on Facebook. It quickly earned several "Likes" from his friends in other states and the few early-risers, and many more innuendo-laden comments. While the ones saying things like " _i'm sure ur heart's not the only thing being filled ;)_ " made him laugh, his favorites were the ones about him getting lucky. He knew what they meant, but he couldn't help but think that, yeah, he _was_ lucky. This was good. This was _right_.

And it was going to get even better.

His cheeks ached from smiling so hard. Then, Sauli looked up from tying his shoes and gave him a fond grin, and Adam's smile grew even wider. "You're amazing," he said.

Sauli chuckled, and straightened his shoe laces. "Did I do something, or—"

Adam shook his head. "Nah." He leaned back against the door frame, and held open his arms when Sauli stood. "I just don't tell you that often enough."

"You tell me every day." He stepped into Adam's embrace, and Adam pulled him close and kissed his forehead. "Usually more than once."

"Yeah," he said, lacing his fingers across the small of Sauli's back. "But I could say it every second, and it still wouldn't be enough. I love you."

"You are the sweetest man. I love—" Sauli was interrupted by the growling of Adam's stomach. They both laughed, and Sauli placed a hand against it. "Sounds like somebody is hungry."

"God, definitely." With others, he might've been uncomfortable, and deflected the attention with something else. Instead, he said, "I'm _starving_ ," and let Sauli pat his belly. He felt comfortable with Sauli, felt safe.

Until Sauli started tickling him.

"Oh my God, stop it!" Adam giggled helplessly and tried to squirm away, but Sauli kept on, tickling Adam until he fell back on the bed. "Get down here, you ass." Adam yanked Sauli down with him, and rolled on top of him, pinning Sauli's wrists so he couldn't tickle Adam again to escape. "You really _suck_."

He gave Sauli's lips a smacking kiss anyway, then dared to let go to play with the curls that had fallen onto Sauli's forehead. "You're also pretty cute. What am I gonna do with you?"

"Bad things?" Sauli asked, hopefully, and grabbed Adam's ass with his freed hand.

Adam laughed. "You are _terrible_ , oh my God!" And yet Sauli's mischievous streak was one of Adam's favorite things about him. There was always another adorable or dirty thing he could—and would—do to make Adam laugh. Sauli could handle all of this. "You ready to meet my 'other'?"

"Yes," Sauli replied, without hesitation. "The sooner we get going, the sooner I can—" The firmness of his insatiable cock brushed against Adam's, and Adam swallowed and licked his lips. "— _feed_ you again."

Oh god. He really did go there. Adam laughed. "You're a dirty little shit."

"Yes! I will not deny it." Sauli . "You are sexy. I cannot help it. I always want to touch you." He stroked Adam's ass, and Adam leaned in, lining up their mouths, waiting. "To taste you." He kissed Adam again, tongue hot and confident against Adam's own, then pulled back, and gave Adam's lips a quick peck. "To be with you. To—"

"Keep talking," Adam said, pressing an admonishing hand on Sauli's throat, "and we're never getting out of here." He gave Sauli a possessive kiss, and, yeah, if they didn't stop soon, he'd end up stripping Sauli naked and fucking him hard.

Hunger won out, Sauli's stomach rumbling louder than Adam's. Adam broke away with a chuckle, and Sauli nipped his bottom lip in protest. "We need food," Adam insisted, and slid down the length of Sauli's body, pausing to kiss that hungry belly before sinking to his knees on the floor. "Really. Starving to death 'cause we can't keep our hands off each other ain't that sexy."

Sauli scowled, but quickly sighed in defeat. "We'd never be able to have sex again."

"Exactly." Adam could rarely resist giving him another kiss. Lowering his voice, he added, "And I've got all these _plans_ , baby." He slipped a hand beneath Sauli's ass, and Sauli hummed in approval. "All these places I want to touch." He nuzzled and kissed the growing bulge between Sauli's legs. "All these things I want to do to you and want you to do to me."

"Or this. I could—" Sauli slid a hand down toward his crotch, and Adam grabbed his wrist.

"Food." He raised Sauli's hand to his lips, and pressed a kiss to his palm, then got to his feet. "We meet up with Lambert, and we eat breakfast, and we _talk_. And then, _maybe_..."

"Only 'maybe?'"

"You dirty little..." Sauli batted his eyelashes, and Adam laughed, and picked him up in a crushing hug. "Mm," he said, against Sauli's damp hair, hoisting him in his arms, "you've got it _bad_ for me, don't you?"

"Yes." Sauli locked his legs around Adam's waist, and held his shoulders tight. "Terribly. Wonderfully." He let go, forcing Adam to lower him to the floor, then promptly draped himself across Adam's front again, clinging to him. "Must I let you go?"

 _No_ , Adam wanted to reply. _Hold me forever_. "We're kinda running late," he said instead, and when Sauli's face fell, Adam kissed the tip of his nose. Sauli scrunched his face in mock distaste, and Adam giggled and kissed it again. Sauli's face was too adorable. Somehow, Adam had won over the cutest guy ever—God only knew how. He was the luckiest guy in the world.

What he wasn't was nervous. He probably should have been—Lambert was unpredictable at best, destructive at worst, yet hardly any butterflies had settled in his stomach and his chest. Instead, it felt like something had clicked into place, and even if Lambert refused to join them, the future felt good, felt _right._

He was totally sending the Universe a gigantic fruit basket as soon as he got the chance.

Eventually, they managed to untangle themselves from each other, though not without rumpling their clothes and ruining their neat hair. Adam suspected Lambert would comment on their red, wrecked lips as well, but he couldn't bring himself to care. It looked good on them, he thought.

He couldn't remember being happier. And whenever he looked at Sauli, he felt even better. _Everyone_ should feel like that, and it made him hurt inside to know Lambert probably hadn't. Yet. They would fix that. The more he considered the plan, the more it made sense. Who knew Adam Lambert better than Adam Lambert?

Sauli seemed to share his joy. He'd hardly stopped talking since they left the apartment, and he waved his hands and bounced in his seat as his enthusiasm grew. "You're dying to meet him," Adam said, "aren't you?"

"Of course! I have all these ideas and—" He gave Adam a wicked grin. "—plans. And I want to know all of you."

But as they got closer to his home, Adam's worries returned to life. Lambert was a part of him, but he was an incredibly different part of him. He was quick to anger—loud, vicious anger. Though he'd never laid a hand on anyone, Lambert knew all too well how to hurt, how to flay someone to the bone with nothing but words. He was destructive and insecure, prone to wild partying, hard drinking, and ruining anything he—or anyone else—loved, often for no obvious reason. Adam didn't know if he and Sauli could keep that in check, or if their relationship would survive if they couldn't. Because, deep down, he and Lambert were the same, and if he and Sauli did this with him...

"You're sure about this?" Adam asked, as they pulled in front of his building and parked. He tried to smile, but it fell flat. "Still time to reconsider."

Sauli frowned. "Why are you so worried?"

"Why aren't you? You've never even met him, and...you're not even the tiniest bit scared?"

At that, Sauli laughed. Adam started to accuse him of not taking him seriously, until Sauli asked, "You are only a _tiny_ bit scared? You are lucky, then. I'm _terrified_. And excited."

"Haha," he drawled. "I never would have guessed." Of course _Sauli_ was excited. He didn't know what they were about to be dealing with. Once they went inside, pretty much anything could happen. And Adam would be the one to deal with the fallout. "Seriously? You're terrified?"

Sauli gave Adam's arm a reassuring squeeze. "You worry too much. Always thinking."

"I do not! I just—" He wanted this to work—no, he _needed_ this to work. He and Sauli were great together, but Lambert was _him_. If he screwed things up with both of them...

"This will be fine," Sauli insisted, and went on, voice rising as he spoke, and he sounded more stubborn with every word. "I promise you. We are good together, and we will be good together with him. I want to know _all_ of you, _including_ him. I would not choose this if I thought this would end _us_. This is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me, and I would not let go of that for anything. You have to trust me. Yes, this is terrifying, but many things that are worth doing are terrifying. I have given up many things to make this happen. We _will_ make this work. I will make sure of that."

"You can't make those kinds of promises. No one can. And you don't even know..."

"Do you not trust me? Because I trust you— _all_ of you, including him. We have so much in common, and I believe there is a reason we met. Isn't that what you said yourself? That you believe we are—"

"Almost fated to be together," he finished. Their meeting had been one of chance. How many people could say that they just _happened_ to meet someone who seemed to fit them perfectly? "Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm just worried. I've never felt like this about anyone I've ever met before. I mean, yeah, I've been in love before, I thought. But this is, like...I don't even know." He threw his hands up helplessly. "I have never shared _anything_ this important with him before. And never any _one_."

"Well," Sauli said, "maybe it is time to give it a try, yes?"

Adam swallowed. He had been so confident about this earlier—hell, even Lambert sounded confident earlier. Lambert was never confident about anything. And, yeah, Lambert might've been a destructive fuck, but the two of them had a lot in common, didn't they?

And Lambert seemed to want this as much as they did.

He took a deep breath, trying to find his center, his 'inner balloon.' What color was his balloon again? He closed his eyes. Purple. That's what color it was. Purple. He imagined filling the balloon, and with a few breaths, he began to feel calm again. Then, he gave Sauli a shaky smile. "Okay," he said. "Let's do this."

It would be fun.

They got out of the car, stopping to retrieve the coffee and croissants from the back, and they made their way toward the building. "You mind?" Sauli asked, holding up a pack of cigarettes. "I haven't had one in—"

"No, go ahead." Sauli always had permission, but that still hadn't stopped him from asking yet. "I don't care."

"Thank you." Sauli gave him a grateful smile, and Adam held the croissants for him while he lit up, and walked alongside him toward the building. "Beautiful place," Sauli said.

"Yeah, it is." But the familiar brick loomed, even beneath the bright sunlight and the clear winter sky. "Apartment's not big enough for three, though."

Especially when one of those three was _Lambert_.

Along the way, Adam noticed something—the space where Lambert's black convertible usually sat was empty. "Crap."

Sauli turned, giving him a worried frown. "Something wrong?"

Maybe he'd parked somewhere else? Adam scanned the half-empty parking lot, searching for the car, repeating, " _no, no, no_ ," in his head. He kept hoping, but he already knew—it was nowhere to be found. "He's not here."

Sauli looked around. "You sure? Maybe he's parked somewhere else, or—"

"No. He's gone."

♦

The radio was turned as high as it would go. With music blasting, bass rattling the windows, and insipid lyrics warring with the part of his brain calling him a fuck-up, Lambert drove.

 _You don't want this,_ he'd written, on the note he left behind. _It's a mistake. I'm sorry_.

On the incredibly short list of selfless things Lambert had done in his short existence, this had to have been at the top. _Someone_ had to point it out. If they went through with this, no one would be happy. He would drive them all straight through Hell and into the nuthouse. He'd make them all hate each other. He—

His explanations ended there. A billion reasons had to exist for why they shouldn't be together, him being _him_ the most obvious. That most explanations failed to come to mind didn't matter. Just because he couldn't see them didn't mean they didn't exist. He was doing the happy couple a favor—he was letting them go. In any situation, he would lose. He probably already had.

His cellphone rang. Adam. Again. He didn't have to check. Only Adam. Always Adam.

He wanted to throw up. Again.

Who the fuck was he kidding? This wasn't selfless. This was panic. Sheer fucking panic.

As soon as he'd gotten off the phone with Adam, his mind had gone into overdrive. So many things could go wrong. So many ways he could fuck this up. And he would. He always would. He never learned, and he never changed, and he never did a nice thing for anyone in his life, and he was a coward, and he couldn't breathe, and he couldn't think, and he was going to puke, and it all came down to one thing: he was going to lose Adam. No matter what he tried, no matter what he did, he was going to lose him, either to his new boyfriend or to sheer fucking misery. And then he would be alone.

Unless that wasn't how things worked. He and Adam were two sides of the same person once, split by fuck knew what and left to fend for themselves. What would happen to them both if Adam turned into a miserable wretch?

What would happen to him if he was happy?

The sheer fucking terror had hit him then, like he'd slammed into an iceberg chest-first. What _would_ happen to him if he was happy? Would he die? Would he not exist? Would he and Adam become one again? He didn't want that. He wanted to feel and to see and to breathe and to think and to _be_. He wanted to be Adam Lambert, Dark Edition, though the actual dark angst and unhappiness were unnecessary, as long as he was _still there_.

He'd thrown up then, and he broke down after, clinging to Adam's cardigan and sobbing like a fucking pathetic child. "I can't do this!" he'd shouted up at the bathroom sink, huddled on the bathroom floor. "I _can't!_ " 

Even worse, though, was the idea that maybe, just maybe, he _could_ be happy, but only for a little while. He'd never _liked_ feeling like the freak, the failure, or the bitchy bastard diva who did nothing more than drink and party and whore himself out for fame and hot fucks. And when Adam had temporarily filled that empty, jagged void inside him before, he had actually felt _good_. Someone had accepted him. Someone had loved him. And if he got that back, and more, and then lost it to his Midas touch that turned everything to shit instead of gold?

But if he let Adam go before anything started, he'd thought, then he wouldn't get hurt in the end. Except it already hurt. He didn't want to know if it could be worse.

And he didn't want to think of that anymore. He'd fucking _cried_ over this mess, like the chickenshit dumbass he was. He _didn't cry_ , and yet he'd wept until his cheeks were raw, his skull threatened to burst, and his whole damn body felt drained. He was fucking pathetic.

So he shook off the memory, and tried to think of _now_ instead of _then_. No, even that was no good. There was too much to think about, and too much to try not to think about. He needed to not think.

There was a restaurant up ahead that knew him well. Good food, better margaritas. A great place to hide away and bury himself in a pile of calories and booze and guilt. He didn't stop, and passed stores and bars, passed places his friends—no, _Adam's_ friends—lived, passed everything.

His phone rang again, and he kept going. If he stopped for long, he'd answer it. He'd change his mind. He'd ruin their lives. He'd ruin his life. And, God, he couldn't do that. He couldn't bear to be the one to break Adam's fragile heart.

He'd almost stayed. Few things were as infectious as Adam's enthusiasm when you got close enough to it, and Adam had seemed so excited. Adam was always excited, though, always expected everything to work out if you wanted it enough and said "Fuck you!" to the world enough. He loved that stupid grin, that stupid heart, that stupid blind optimism Adam always failed to shake.

He'd fallen in love, and that was the problem. Somewhere between nearly killing him from smoke inhalation and now, he'd fallen in love with Adam. Not a new realization, but when the full weight of the implications set in...

Coward. That was all he was, and all he could ever be. A coward, a drunk, a loser, a self-loathing fuck-up so mired in misery he could never escape. Worthless. Useless. Alone.

His phone didn't stop ringing. He'd turn it off at the next stoplight, he told himself. Really.

Instead, he wiped the wetness from his eyes, threw the phone to the floor, and let it ring and ring.

♦

"He's not answering." Adam put his phone in his pocket, and he went back to sorting through Lambert's room, picking up the sheets of paper scattered across the hard floor. "I don't know why I'm surprised. He _always_ does things like this."

"This isn't your fault." Sauli sat beside him. "You did nothing wrong."

"I know." Adam nodded, and Sauli gently squeezed his knee, and left his warm hand on Adam's thigh. "I just thought..." Adam shook his head, and straightened a pile of papers against his other thigh. "Whatever." He shrugged. "Whatever. If Lambert wants to chicken out, well. Why the fuck should I stop him?"

"Oh, sweetheart." Sauli tried to pull Adam into his arms, but Adam turned away, snatching more papers from the floor. "I'm—"

"Baby, _please_." He gave Sauli a pained look, and went back to work. "I don't want...platitudes or apologies or other shit like that; I'm sorry. I just want..." _Him_ , his mind finished. His other half was gone. His other half was hurting. "I want to be able to _do something_."

So, he cleaned. Lambert had left Adam's apartment immaculate. Things that had never shone before glistened, things Adam had never figured out how to organize had been sorted. His dishes had been washed, his dirty laundry—save for a favorite cardigan he couldn't find anywhere—was clean and put away, and his bed was covered in fresh sheets and blankets. The least Adam could do was return the favor.

"Okay." Sauli patted Adam's back and stood, and he went back to helping Adam clean.

The two of them worked in silence, save for the rustling of paper and the straightening of figurines and furniture. Adam focused on the papers, reading over them and sorting them into piles. Some were from magazines or newspapers and were beyond salvaging, others were important documents that _had_ to be saved. Most were from books, and Adam did his best to put the pages in order, though he doubted they could be repaired.

"This is interesting," Sauli said, and Adam turned to see him holding up one of Lambert's many animal skulls. It was one of the smaller ones, with delicate-looking bones and a mouthful of sharp teeth. "What is it?"

"A snake of some kind, I think," Adam said.

"Ah. I thought so." Sauli eyed the sharp fangs, and pointed at them. "See?"

Adam nodded. "Weird, isn't it?"

"But also interesting." Sauli lunged at him with it, shouting a playful, "Rawr!" When Adam barely managed a smile, Sauli put the skull back in its place on a shelf, and moved on, stopping to admire a dagger with a jewel-encrusted handle. "He likes strange things."

"Yeah." Adam went back to work. "The weirder and creepier, the better. Or sharper." He was half-tempted to stack everything into a single pile and make Lambert sort through them himself, but then they would never get organized, and he was close enough to finishing that it didn't matter. So he pieced together bank statements and unpaid bills, taping each one back together as much as he could, and carried them to Lambert's small desk.

He put the papers down and looked through the desk, searching for a drawer that wasn't filled with clutter. The emptiest held only a flask, and Adam picked the flask up and shook it. No liquid sloshed around inside, and Adam raised his eyebrows. On impulse, he opened it, and upended it over his hand. Not a single drop spilled out, filling him with a surprising burst of pride. Smiling, he tucked the papers into the drawer, beneath the flask, and went to leave a note. As he reached for a square pad of sticky notes, something amidst the clutter caught his eye. Under a scattering of ginger and peppermint candies and some bottles of antacids and migraine pills, a small day planner sat beside Lambert's laptop, open to that month's calendar.

He tried to ignore it, and grabbed the blue pad and a pen, but he still couldn't help himself. Lambert having _any_ sort of organizational device was astonishing, and Lambert certainly never bothered to respect his privacy. After he'd written _Stuck important papers in top drawer – A,_ he went for it. He moved the mostly-empty bottles of pills aside, and, heedless of the candies, he picked up the planner began to read.

The margins were filled with an intricate, colorful pattern that looked hand-drawn, and, to his surprise, the calendar actually had appointments scribbled into the small squares. Most were uninteresting: plans to steal blankets from Adam again, a recent lunch date and _Twilight_ marathon with Danielle and her other that none had mentioned, _buy some goddamn coffee!!!_ Several squares said _Dinner w/A?_ , all of them crossed out, the latest with giant X's, and one with a surprisingly heartbreaking frowny face drawn beside it. Adam traced a finger over it, frowning sadly himself. "If you'd just asked me..."

He probably would've said no. God, he was such an ass.

Then, he noticed _MIGRANE PILLS!!!!_ was written in bright red for earlier that week, underlined three times, and surrounded by a thick circle. Adam winced. Migraines again? He'd seen Lambert with so many headaches lately, and assumed most of them were hangovers. Fuck, Lambert must've been feeling terrible. How had he not noticed?

"Oh, God." He'd probably made it even worse, hadn't he?

But then the square for that Friday grabbed his attention. _FUCK THAT_ stood out in red, the bold words tearing through the page, and the penciled-in handwriting beneath was so tiny and covered in scribbles that it was almost illegible— _see Dr. W., 2 pm._ "Huh." He wondered if that was Dr. Wilson, the therapist he'd dragged Lambert to after the fire, and flipped back to the last month. _Get head shrinked, 2 pm_ , just a month earlier, and _Make appt w/Adam's crazy doc_ written a few weeks before that. "Wow," Adam said to himself. "He's actually—"

"What should I do with this?"

Adam dropped the planner, feeling like he'd been caught committing a crime, and whipped his head around. Sauli was holding up Lambert's food-covered coat. "Ooh." Adam cringed. "Wipe it off, and I'll take it to the cleaner's later?"

Sauli nodded, not seeming to care about Adam invading Lambert's privacy, and carried the coat into the kitchen. Adam couldn't help but talk, needing a distraction from his guilt. "He bought that with my credit card," he said, his hands shaking as he put the planner back into its spot. "That and our boots."

"Our?"

"The medges. I told him—" Adam picked up a mug sitting nearby and sniffed it hesitantly, expecting the sharp scent of alcohol or the sour odor of something spoiled. Instead, he smelled chamomile. Calming, _boring_ chamomile tea. "—if he didn't share, I'd turn him in for stealing my card. He laughed in my face and told me to fuck off." Adam smiled to himself, and put things back into their place. "A few days later, I couldn't figure out what shoes to wear with something, so—" He chuckled. "—I broke in here, and I stole the gray suede ones."

Sauli snorted. "What did he do?"

"He—" Adam laughed again. "I was expecting him to, like, kick my ass or something—that was before the fire, and he was a pretty big dick back then. But he got me a bottle of really expensive champagne—with his _own_ money, believe it or not—and cheered. He was actually proud of me."

Somehow, he doubted Lambert would be as pleased when—not if—he discovered Adam had read through his planner. He shouldn't have given in, but it was done. He sighed and grabbed the mug, and he went into the tiny kitchen to dump it in the sink.

"Why did he set the fire?"

Adam paused at the door, and thought for a moment. "Y'know, I don't think he ever told me. But it was always...I dunno, like he was super angry about _everything?_ He'd tear things up _all the time_ , and start shouting about everything and everyone, oh my God. Like, there were times he'd wake me up in the middle of the night 'cause he was raging over something—guys or songs or money or thinking the world hated him or whatever. But he was drunk and depressed and some _idiot_ gave him a lighter..." Adam pointed at himself.

"Why did you..."

Adam imitated smoking a joint, and he laughed and headed for the sink. "You want really good pot? You go to him, man. He can get some of the _best_ stuff."

"Ah." Sauli chuckled, and asked, "He is a bad influence?" as Adam squeezed through the small space between Sauli and the counter. "Sorry." Sauli scooted closer to the table, and Adam shook his head.

"Don't worry 'bout it." He emptied the mug, and set it down beside the sink. "And, yeah, he is. Not always a _bad_ thing. If he hadn't given me some really good shit, I never would've got off my butt and tried out for _Idol_." Adam gave him a wry grin, then looked around the kitchen. Not much to clean there, save for the small disaster zone around the well-used coffee maker, a few empty boxes of tea—and Lambert was _so_ catching hell for calling Adam's tea-drinking boring—and a few stray plastic forks. "He spent the whole time I was there calling me and saying it'd never work, that it was a waste of time 'cause flaming theater queens don't get record deals, and that he'd have plenty of vodka waiting for me when I came home."

Sauli chuckled. "He voted for you every week, didn't he?"

"Oh yes." Adam nodded, and made his way to the black refrigerator. "Every way that he could, and then some, and you do _not_ want to hear all the things he said when I didn't win. Okay." He eyed the door, and gave Sauli a questioning look. "Think I should plug my nose or something before I look in there? Or get me a gas mask or something?"

"Ha! Think it will be that bad?"

"Well, last time..." Adam shuddered, and stared down the refrigerator. _Like ripping off a band-aid_ , he told himself, and yanked the door open. "Wow."

Instead of being filled with disgusting old food like last time he'd checked, Lambert's refrigerator was nearly empty, the only thing rotting a full carton of strawberries on the bottom shelf. A small pizza box sat near the front, and he peeked inside. Except for a few small bites on one slice, the pizza was barely touched. A few stray takeout containers were scattered throughout—also mostly full, but none smelled spoiled—but little else. The lack of alcohol was no surprise; the cans of lemon-lime soda and ginger ale hiding behind the gallon jugs of water, however, were.

"That bad?" Sauli asked.

Adam shook his head. "Worse. There's almost nothing here." Migraine pills, tea, ginger and peppermint candies, and light sodas. Adam did not like the picture they painted in his head—a stressed and suffering Lambert, huddled under his black blankets with a throbbing head and a hurting heart. "It's like he's barely been eating." At least the freezer showed some signs of life, with several pints and cartons of ice cream, few of them still completely full, and some microwave meals, with, thankfully, empty spaces where others seemed to have been.

"Can he not eat when you are not here?"

"No, it's not that," Adam was quick to insist. "He gets headaches a lot when he's stressed, like, these really nasty migraines that he just can't shake, and if he tries to eat anything..." With a shudder, Adam closed the door, and picked up one of the empty boxes of tea—green tea with ginger this time, probably for the nausea that came with the worst of the headaches. "When we were, you know, _joined_ , I used to get like that, but not as bad as he does now. He got the worst of it."

He showed Sauli the box, then, trying to distract himself, he aimed and threw it toward the trash can across the room. It missed. "Aw, damn. So close."

Sauli snorted. "You call that close?"

"It...landed in the general vicinity of the trash can?" Adam laughed, and went to pick it up. "Come on—I always sucked at sports," he said, pouting. He gave the box one last sad glance before tossing it into the garbage. "Can you get the rest of in here?" He gave Sauli an apologetic, sad smile. "Sorry, I just...all these reminders, y'know? That he's not doing too well right now..."

That he was partly to blame didn't help.

"Of course."

"Thanks, baby." Adam patted Sauli's back and hurried into the living room, more than ready to dive back into that mess instead. He needed the tedious monotony of sorting papers, and there were plenty for him to deal with.

He was in the middle of taping together a page from the _Kama Sutra_ —his own copy, from the look of it—when Sauli spoke again. "How did this happen? The two of you splitting?"

That was the biggest mystery. "No idea. It was like..." He put the repaired page aside, and reached for some pieces of paper that were too tiny to fix. "One day there was only one, and the next, there were two?" Adam tossed another handful of torn papers into the trash, and reached for a few pieces that had slipped under the couch. They turned out to be restaurant receipts and a wrapper for some cheap chocolate-covered donuts that still held a few soft crumbs—Lambert _was_ eating, then. Good. Vending machine junk and fast food were both better than nothing at all. "And we're not sure which one of us is the original, or which of us is the copy."

"You have the natural eyes," Sauli said, carrying the mostly-cleaned coat back into the room. "You seem stronger."

"Heh, I don't know about that. But we have the same memories from Before, right up to the second we woke up that morning." His ass was starting to hurt from sitting on the floor, so he pushed himself up on Lambert's bed. It wasn't much softer, but it was better, so he settled in, and stretched his legs. "After that, it all got...weird."

Those early days had been torture, all a confusing blur of blended minds and unanswerable questions. "We found out later that this happens sometimes—the whole 'others' thing—but, like...usually the other just walks into their double's life someday—like Danielle and Elle—and no one knows why, or they never even know their other exists. What happened with us was...different."

And it still didn't make a bit of sense to him. Still, Adam tried to explain, waving his hands as he spoke, an attempt at demonstration. "Sometimes we were connected, sometimes we weren't, and...whoa. It felt like a really bad trip or something. Half the time, neither of us knew what was real and what wasn't, and...I really don't know how to describe it—it was that fucking freaky."

It had also been painful, a kind of agony he'd never imagined was possible that, thankfully, he could hardly remember. Sauli didn't need to know about that. He patted the space beside him, wanting Sauli next to him. "I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life than I was then."

Sauli draped the coat over a chair, and went to sit beside Adam. "Did you ever try to...join again?"

"No, _never!_ " The mere idea turned his insides to ice. "It'd be too much like killing him. Or me." Adam looked around Lambert's stark room and through the window to his own. "You really were right last night. He's never been like a brother to me—more like a limb or something. A kidney, maybe. Or a testicle." Adam chuckled. "A...I don't even know. I can live without him—" He grabbed one of Sauli's hands and held on, lacing their fingers together. "—but I _can't_ live without him. I thought maybe...but, no." He looked into Sauli's eyes, hoping he would understand. "I just _can't_."

Sauli nodded. "And I will never ask you to." He let go of Adam's hand, and, this time, Adam allowed Sauli to pull him into his arms, and rested his head on Sauli's chest. "You are wonderful. And I am sorry this did not work the way we planned. But." He kissed the top of Adam's head. "I am not giving up yet." He prodded Adam's chin, tilting Adam's head to meet his eyes again. "He has to come back here sometime, yes?"

Adam stared at him, and Sauli smirked, and went on. "This is not over yet. Is it?"

"Probably not," Adam agreed. "I just...I hoped that it would be easy, y'know? That just this once, he'd want to do something that would make us _and_ him happy." Especially Lambert. Lambert always seemed so lonely, even when they were together. "I want him to be happy. I want _all_ of us to be happy."

"I know. You are that kind of person, and I love that about you." He pressed a gentle kiss to Adam's lips. "It is so rare. I am lucky to have you."

Adam smiled, warmth building inside him. "I'm the lucky one."

"You are. You have me." They both laughed, but Sauli had no idea how true that was. Adam kissed him again. Surely someday he would become tired of kissing him, but not yet. "And you have yourself, and your heart, and your voice, and your beauty." He snuggled in close, and began to stroke Adam's back. "The Universe has given you many gifts."

The Universe? Adam snorted. "I'm rubbing off on you, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are. And I am glad." His face turned serious, and Adam waited for him to speak again. "I don't like seeing you upset. You deserve many good things. And I think we can still make this—our plan—work. Now, I do not know _him_ very well, but I know _you_ , and I know you know him best of all. Yes?"

Adam nodded. "Pretty well, yeah. Maybe. I don't know."

"Adam, look at me." Adam did. "You know him. You know him well. You know how to get through to him. I believe in you."

Surely Sauli was right. This was _Lambert_ , his other half, his other side, his other _self_. "Yeah. If I don't know him, who the fuck does?"

"You know what he likes."

Adam nodded. "Yeah, but...fuck." Adam grimaced. "Can't think of anything."

"Everyone likes something." Sauli nudged his side. "You know."

Adam pondered. Most of what Lambert liked seemed destructive at first—booze and sex and chaos, fast cars and bad food and attention. Excess. Indulgence. "He likes pleasure. Like, good food or a good buzz or a good fuck." Sauli nodded, urging him on. "He doesn't like to be patronized or coddled too much. He doesn't like to be bored. He doesn't—"

He didn't like to be trapped. But they weren't going to trap him, and he'd called this a mistake, said they would be better off without him. That he didn't want to ruin things for them. "I think..." Adam bit his lip. "I think maybe he likes me? That he cares about me. And I—shit."

"What?"

Laughing bitterly, Adam shook his head. "He hasn't...God." He jerked away from Sauli, covering his face with his hands, and groaned, then dropped his hands back into his lap. Fuck, he could _kick_ himself for not realizing earlier. "He hasn't been the one pushing me away when I get into a relationship. _I_ push _him_ away. I tell him things like 'leave me alone' or 'go away' or 'don't fuck this up for me.' And when he and I were together, _I_ was the one who ended it, because I thought he didn't—oh, God."

Adam felt sick. "You said this isn't my fault. I think you might be wrong."

"Adam, you're—"

"He's not happy with who he is, what he's like, _anything_. He's convinced he screws up everything he touches. He's convinced that everyone is more important than him, that everyone deserves happiness more than him, that everything he does is going to end in ruin and chaos and God knows what else."

He couldn't help but think of how often Lambert snarled, ** _You're_** _the perfect one_. Maybe Lambert wasn't the dick. Maybe _Adam_ was. "He thinks everyone hates him, and that everyone who doesn't should. And if I didn't make him like that, then I sure as fuck didn't help." He looked up, and gave Sauli a sad smile. "I just wanted to be happy, and I wasn't, and I— _I_ did this."

"No," Sauli said, "this is not your fault." He stroked Adam's hair, and Adam leaned into the comforting touch. "Of course not. You deserve happiness. We all do. Now." Sauli pulled him back into his arms. "You can either wallow in your needless guilt like your other, or we can wait for him to come back, and make a few plans?"

Adam nodded. "Yeah," he said, scooting even closer. "We'll do that. Give him some space to figure things out, and set things up to win him back. Okay."

"Okay." Sauli kissed his cheek. "Now, what does he respond best to? Somehow, I do not think he is interested in chocolates and flowers."

"God, no." Adam laughed. The look on Lambert's face if they handed him a bouquet of roses—especially pink ones—would be priceless, but absurdity was not what they were after. "If we gave him flowers, he'd probably, like, set them on fire and throw them in our faces or something." Chocolates would be better, but much as he and Lambert loved chocolate, even that didn't seem to fit. "It's gotta be something different. Nontraditional. Not boring."

"You said he likes sex, yes?" Adam nodded. "Then, maybe that is what we should give him. We put on a show. Make him interested. Turn him on. I am his type, you said?"

"Totally." Adam nodded. "You are, like, custom made for him. And me. But especially physically." He traced a finger over Sauli's arm, following the swirling lines of his colorful tattoos. "He's a lot more shallow than I am, but you're beautiful, baby, _and_ you're a challenge. He likes that just as much as I do."

Sauli laughed skeptically. "You find me sexy, so he will find me sexy? That is your logic?"

"Ha! I dunno if you've looked at yourself lately, but—" He waved a hand over the length of Sauli's body. " _Damn_. Who _wouldn't_ wanna hit that? And," Adam gestured toward their reflection in the glass, "we look really, _really_ sexy together."

"Mm, we _look_ sexy together?" Sauli slid his hand down Adam's chest, and drew light circles over a nipple with his fingertip, making Adam's breath catch in his throat. "We _are_ sexy together. And if he catches us making out or having sex or something..."

"Then he won't stand a chance."

♦

They spent the afternoon preparing. Though they planned to entice Lambert with their raw sexuality, they both thought it might be best to do more, in case that wasn't enough. "Just us making out and fucking is gonna be something he can ignore," Adam said. "He'll, like, shut the curtain or something and pretend it's not happening. So, let's put on a bit of a show."

He left Sauli in charge of food, as always, and dropped him off at the grocery store. "Get stuff for something that'll smell really, really good," Adam suggested, "or maybe something we can eat with our hands, I dunno. And he doesn't like health food all that much. Italian, maybe? Something with a lot of cheese? Can you do that?"

"Pasta, cheese, cream, butter—should not be too hard."

"Yay!" Adam clapped his hands together. "And maybe sneak in a few veggies so it's not too horrible, y'know?"

"Of course!" Sauli leaned closer, giving Adam a sly grin, and lowered his voice. "I can be _very_ sneaky," he said.

"And very silly." Adam laughed, and poked Sauli's nose. "I'll meet you back here when I've got the wine, okay?" He gave Sauli a peck on the lips. "See you soon."

They went their separate ways, each one in search of exactly the right things to please someone who could never be pleased.

Adam's part was easy, since Lambert was not picky about "gettin' his drink on." If it had alcohol in it, he would be all over it. But, Adam knew he also preferred the finer things—if it had a high price tag, Lambert was sure to at least _pretend_ to love it. So he went where he knew he could find the absolute best _and_ the highest price.

While he was browsing the store's collection, he decided to call Lambert one last time. No answer. With a sigh, he put his phone away, and tried to ignore the stab of disappointment. Of _course_ he wouldn't answer. He was sulking, as always. Adam wished he wouldn't do that. He could be so much happier if, for once, he would just trust someone. And who was more trustworthy than his other half?

Except, it was possible that _he_ had been the one to cause this. Maybe if he had been a little more careful, maybe if he hadn't been so quick to go after that cute guy he had met, none of this would be happening.

He was getting some curious looks from the nearby customers, so he picked up the nearest bottle and pretended to read the label while he thought.

None of this would be happening if he hadn't met Sauli. But then, _he_ wouldn't be nearly as happy. His new relationship was the best thing to happen to him in a long time, and he wouldn't wish Sauli away for anything. It might not have been fair to Lambert, but...

 _God_ , why did this have to be so damn difficult? He just wanted to be happy—for _all_ of them to be happy. "Just get the damn wine," he mumbled to himself, "and get out of here."

He put the bottle of expensive but unpalatable red back on the shelf and meandered further down the aisle. Delaying the inevitable. If he could pretend this was only a date night with Sauli, perhaps the cold lump of dread settled amidst the butterflies in his stomach would fade away. His mind refused to play that trick, the all too real potential for disappointment standing in the way.

Lambert could be right. This could be a disaster waiting to happen, with the power to ruin something he had wanted his entire life—love. He had found something special with Sauli, and he desperately wanted to keep it.

He just wanted Lambert to be happy, too.

His reverie was interrupted by the sound of Sauli calling. "Hey, baby," Adam answered, with a weary voice.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "Just...thinking too much. Again."

At that, Sauli chuckled. "Why am I never surprised by that?"

"I dunno." Adam shrugged, though he knew Sauli could not see it, and selected a bottle from the shelf. He didn't know if it was the most expensive or the best, but it was pricey, at least. Lambert would be impressed. "I'm a thinker," he said, studying the label, "I guess. What do you need?"

"I am almost finished with the shopping. Checking in, seeing if you have found our drinks?"

"Yeah," Adam replied. "I think so."

"Yay!" Sauli was quiet for a moment, then suddenly broke into laughter. "Sorry. I did a little dance, and the look on the people's faces..." He giggled again. "I think they are afraid of me."

"Oh _God_ , what are you even doing?" Adam laughed. "You're _crazy_." But, God, Adam loved him. "You're gonna have to show me when we—"

A glimpse of something black and familiar caught his eye. He turned, and saw Lambert at the end of the aisle, dressed in his missing cardigan. Lambert noticed him, too, and stared back at him with wide, wary eyes. "He's here," Adam said, trying not to break his stare. "Call back later?" He hung up, not waiting for an answer.

Lambert stood frozen, watching Adam closely. Even from a distance, Adam could see the tension in Lambert's shoulders, the stiffness in his stance, and he walked slowly, expecting Lambert to bolt. But as he got closer, Lambert slumped in defeat, and started toward him, meeting him halfway.

They stopped in front of each other, and Lambert said, "Of _course_ ," with more resignation than anger. "I had to run into you."

"Hey there." Adam slipped his phone into the pocket of his sweater, then gave Lambert a cautious smile. "We do seem kinda connected to each other. Think there might be a reason for that?"

Lambert scowled, and wrapped his arms around himself. He looked awful—hair a mess, eyes surrounded by dark circles that definitely were not smeared makeup, body ready to fall over. "I'm not talking to you," he said, even though he inched closer.

Adam pretended he didn't notice. "You don't have to. I'm just," he nodded toward the bottle in his hand, "picking out some wine to go with dinner tonight."

"And I'm just looking for something to get drunk on." Lambert's eyes glanced over Adam's body, and he raised his eyebrows. "Wow. You look like hell."

"Yeah, thanks," Adam said, dryly. "Kinda having a bad day."

Lambert actually ducked his head, and said, "Sorry," so low Adam almost didn't catch it.

"'s okay. I'll live. Sauli's making me dinner, and...you know, you're welcome to join us if you want to."

"Yeah, I'm kinda not that hungry." Lambert sounded bitchy, but Adam didn't miss the way Lambert shifted uncomfortably and wrapped the cardigan around his waist. One of those days, then. "I'll pass."

"You feeling okay? You look—" He reached out to touch Lambert's arm, and Lambert jerked away, glaring.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I look like shit, too. Deal."

"I didn't mean...sorry." Adam held up his hands. "I don't want—"

"Hey, I just came here to get something a lot stronger than that pink piss I stuck in your fridge, and then get the fuck out of here and not have to see you again. I mean, it's bad enough to have to see your face every time I look in the mirror, but...fuck."

"Yeah." This was neither the time nor the place for their discussion, but he didn't know when—or even if—he'd get another chance. "I'm sorry. I know I screwed up, and I know I hurt you, and I—"

"Not everything's about you."

"Yeah, well, not everything's about you, either." Adam quirked his lips. "Except when you're kinda the same person..."

"It kinda is." Lambert sighed heavily, and Adam and gently grasped Lambert's wrist. Lambert turned away, but didn't yank his hand free, and Adam dared to hope he was getting through.

"Come home," Adam said, and entwined his fingers with Lambert's. "I miss you. You're just as important to me as he is—maybe even more—and I think you'll really like him. But if you don't—" He stroked Lambert's hand with his thumb, "—I really want you in my life anyway."

A tiny smile, rare and precious, curved across Lambert's lips. "I'll think about it."

"Please?" Inside, Adam quietly cheered. His eyes stung, but he managed to hold back tears of joy and relief, and refrained from pulling Lambert into a giant hug. "I'll see you tonight?" he asked, hopeful.

"I...don't know? Maybe?"

Maybe was good. He could work with a maybe. "Sauli's gonna be cooking something Italian with, like, pasta and cheese and all kinds of other stuff, and he's an _amazing_ cook, like, oh my God. And maybe something chocolatey for dessert. Unless you want something else?"

Lambert tilted his head. "I thought all you guys did was drink juice all the time?"

"Haha, _no_. We eat a lot—too much, actually. That's why we have to do it. Otherwise..." Adam trailed off, and puffed out his cheeks. "Whew."

"So, you'd end up looking like me."

Adam's face fell. "Honey, don't." He squeezed Lambert's hand. "Don't do that. You deserve better than that."

Lambert scoffed. "Right."

"You _do_ ," Adam said. He wished Lambert could see some of the things Adam saw in him—a fun, beautiful person, lurking beneath the insecurity and anger. "You're not any of the nasty things you think you are."

" _Any?_ " Lambert looked at him like he was an idiot. "Pretty sure you've called me—what was it—a cold and insensitive asshole, obnoxious, a trainwreck..."

"I didn't mean any of—"

"You _did_. Stop lying, okay?" Lambert said, through gritted teeth. "Stop. You've told me I'm shit, like, a _thousand_ times, and you're not making me feel any better, and you're just digging yourself in deeper and deeper. Stop trying to fix me just because me being fucked up is hurting _you_."

"It's not just hurting me. It—" Other people were starting to watch them, and Adam cringed. "Look, this really isn't the place for this. Can we go outsi—"

"If I go anywhere, it's gonna be out that door without you." Lambert jerked away, and he squeezed his eyes closed and massaged his temples. "God, you are so fucking annoying."

Refusing to back down, Adam stepped close again, and lightly rubbed Lambert's back. "Yeah, I am. But I see things like this, and all that stuff on your desk like the pills and the appointments and shit..."

"You went in my room?"

Adam shrugged. "I was looking for my cardigan?"

"Ha!" Then, Lambert narrowed his eyes. "Wait. You didn't fuck up the _feng shui_ while you were in there, did you?"

"Your Raging Tornado Chic décor? I didn't realize that was a _thing_ for you again."

"Hey, at least it ain't boring." They shared a small chuckle, but the amusement was short lived, and Lambert heaved a sigh. "I'm _trying_ ," Lambert said, surprisingly quiet, and the look in his eyes hurt Adam's heart."God, you have no idea how fucking hard I am trying to not be a bitch. But I'm not _good_ , I'm not—"

"Just come home," Adam said, and took Lambert's hand again. "Please. If nothing else, it's something to do—and yeah, you _are_ an asshole, but if I didn't want you around..." While he was speaking, his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he let go of Lambert's hand to check it. There was a text from Sauli. _dessert?_ the message asked. Before Adam could reply, another came in, with Sauli answering his own question. _chocolate mousse. fun! ;)_

Adam laughed, and sent back, _A box of good candy would b quicker. Or_ _strawberries w choc. Cliche for a reason. ;)_

Lambert stepped back again, and Adam looked up from his phone to see him studying his face. "You really love him, don't you."

It wasn't a question, but still, Adam nodded. "Yeah. He's special. And so are you." Another text came in, this one asking, _almost done now? i am! ;)_ and Adam sent off a quick _Yes_ , then said, "I should get going. Sauli's waiting for me at the store, and—"

"Yeah, sure." Lambert stepped back, and refused to meet Adam's eyes. "Go on. I'll see you...whenever."

"Hey, no, I didn't mean—"

"Adam, _please_. Just...I need _time_."

"Okay." Adam held up his hands, careful not to drop the bottle, and forced a smile. "I'll see you...when I see you, I guess."

He let Lambert go, even though it killed him, and Lambert left the store without buying anything. Adam wondered if he would see him that night, or ever again, then sighed and called Sauli. "He _might_ be coming," Adam told him, and started toward checkout, stopping to grab a bottle of some whiskey he knew Lambert liked along the way. "I think he will, but if he doesn't..."

"Have some faith in him," Sauli said. "He cannot seem to manage that himself."

"Right." Adam placed the bottles on the counter for the cashier to ring them up. "Faith." In someone like Lambert.

"Somebody should try. We can give him that, yes?"

"Support?"

"Yes. And belief and love. We can help."

Adam pondered the idea as he handed the cashier his credit card. Then, he finally said, "Yeah. I think we can."

  



	3. Chapter 3

"Even if he doesn't show up," Adam said, pouring a large glass of wine to share with Sauli, "tonight's not gonna be a total loss." Dinner was almost ready, candles were lit and glowing, and Sauli was sitting in his lap on the couch. "Good food." Adam paused, and sampled the wine. "Mm, good wine, good company—"

"Good sex?" Sauli teased, with a dirty grin.

Adam laughed. "It's _always_ good."

"Always?" Sauli snagged the glass, and drank. "Even that time when—"

" _Don't_ bring up the maid."

"She was _horrified!_ It was _hilarious_. But I was thinking of that one shower, when—"

"I fell on my ass and ripped down the curtain?" Sauli nodded, giggling. "God, I had bruises in places I didn't know existed for _weeks_."

"Oh, it was not weeks."

" _Weeks_."

"You just wanted me to kiss your ass. Which, I do not mind doing, because it is a wonderful ass. You did not need to injure yourself first." Sauli took another drink, and handed the glass back to Adam, then studied his face. "Talk. You still look upset. Worried he will not show?"

"Yeah. I'm...nervous." He looked down into the glass, and swirled the pale liquid around, then glanced back up at Sauli. "And, we've got a good thing going on, and it's..." He sighed. "Are you sure you really want to see _all_ of me? I mean—" He waved a hand. "We're separate people, I know. But he's..."

"Adam, we have been through this." He took the glass from Adam's hand and set it aside, then clasped Adam's hands. "Even if he does not join us in the bedroom, I really do want to see _all_ of you. Really. I am up to the challenge."

"Yeah. I...fuck." Adam grabbed for the wine again and downed a large swallow, even though he doubted it would calm his nerves. "You know how I am. He's right—I want everything to turn out all shiny and happy and sparkly, with, like, puppies and sex and stuff."

"Puppies and sex?"

"Not _together_. God." Then, he noticed the gleam in Sauli's eyes, and lightly kicked him in the shin with his bare toes. Sauli laughed, and Adam scowled. "Be serious for a second, please."

"I am! I am listening to you worrying over nothing." Sauli took the glass and the bottle away and put them out of reach. "I want you to be smiling. I want you to be happy."

Adam sighed. "I know, I know. But, God." He growled in frustration and tugged a hand through his hair. "Why does this have to be so fucking _hard?_ "

"Would it be as good if it were easy?" Sauli wrapped his arms around Adam's shoulders, and rested his chin on Adam's head. "You are not going to lose me. I promise. I have given up so much of my life to take this chance with you." He looked down, and gave Adam a gentle smile. "I am not perfect, either. I have many things I wish were not part of me."

"Yeah, and all the things I wish weren't part of me _aren't_." Adam shook his head. "You have a chance to be with someone and pretty much never have to deal with any of their worst—"

"Stop." Sauli clamped a hand over Adam's mouth. "I do not want perfect. You would be boring if you were perfect, and that man I met in that club that night was _not_ boring." He nudged Adam to look up, and kissed him on the nose. "I love you. I love your big heart and your wonderful nature and so, so much more. But I know that he is more connected to you than I, and I will not lose you to him _or_ let you lose him to me. Is that clear enough, finally?"

Though he was reluctant, Adam nodded, and that seemed to be enough to satisfy Sauli. "Good. Because I think there is enough room in our hearts to share."

"And if I can't keep him? If he comes back and decides he wants to leave? I don't know what I'd do without him, or what he would do without _me_. He's so..."

Sauli heaved an exasperated sigh, and muttered something in Finnish.

"What?" Sauli gave him a Look, and Adam ducked his head sheepishly. "I'm over-thinking this shit, ain't I?"

"Yes. Very much so. You are going around and around and around in all of the same circles, and it is maddening! But," he ruffled Adam's hair, "you are precious, so I am willing to be nice about it. This is not a typical relationship, but that doesn't mean it will fail, or that it is wrong. It _could_. But." Sauli raised his fists, with a fierce, determined glare. "I am willing to fight. Aren't you?"

"Yes." But there were other things to think about. "Limits?" Sauli raised his eyebrows. "Like, what Lambert and I can and can't do together, or you and him, or us, or—"

"Equals. We," he gestured between the two of them, "are together. If he wants, he will be together with us."

"Always, or..." Adam trailed off, then decided to add, "He's not very good at...well, he's never been in a relationship. _I'm_ faithful, but if he isn't?" The idea of them bringing Lambert into this, only to have him keep sleeping around made Adam uneasy. "He's never cheated on anyone before, but I'm not sure we can trust him like that, and..."

Sauli saw straight through him. "If he wanted to leave you, do you think he would still be around?"

"I—" Adam slumped back against the seat. "No."

"Then let him make his decisions for himself in this." Sauli leaned in and tenderly kissed his lips. "Have I convinced you yet?"

Adam considered it for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. I think so."

"Are you sure? Because," he leaned in, close to Adam's ear, "I have been looking forward to this today. Romantic dinner, time together, a clean bed we have not used together yet..."

Adam laughed. "Perv."

"Eh." Sauli shrugged. "You knew this when I sucked your lollipop."

"Hey, you said you didn't suck just on anyone's lollipop."

"I don't. It was a good lollipop. I only like good lollipops."

That earned Sauli another kiss. Adam loved kissing. He moaned, and pulled Sauli in closer, cradling the back of his neck and urging him deeper. His eyes fell closed, and he gave in to the sensation, moving on feel alone. He knew these lips, had memorized their lush softness and their taste, and still each kiss was a surprise, familiar only in their difference. Tongues tangled, tasting wine and skin and the familiar, sweet and salt and alcohol sharpness. Far more intoxicating were the happy, dirty little noises coming from low in Sauli's throat, the faint scent of his own cologne on Sauli's clothes, the fierce, possessive cling of Sauli's fingers in his hair. His skin felt too tight, too hot, too _much_ , clothes constricting the breath in his lungs and muting the wonderful weight of his lover in his lap.

His _lover_. Fuck. No matter what happened that night, he had a boyfriend, a _lover_. He let out a low growl, and rolled them over, pinning Sauli to the couch with his body. Sauli chuckled, and nipped him playfully, and slid his hands down Adam's chest to the bottom of his shirt. His nails tickled as he slipped his hand inside Adam's pants, and Adam shivered and broke away, gasping. " _God_."

"Off," Sauli insisted, between ragged breaths. "Let's get all of this off. And." He pulled his hand free and slipped it between Adam's legs, while the other slipped under him, and he gave Adam's cock and his ass a light squeeze that hit the burning want inside like a shot. "Let's get _this_ off, too."

Adam squinted in disbelief. "Oh, _God_." He groaned, and gave Sauli another kiss. "You are ridiculous."

"I know." Sauli grinned. "But I stole that line from a nice man named Adam, who thought it was clever. Do you know him?"

Adam laughed. He had said that before, hadn't he, and far too many times at that. "I do. And—" He was interrupted by the shrill beeping of the oven timer, and huffed in frustration. "Dammit!"

"It will be worth it," Sauli promised, slithering from beneath Adam's weight.

"It better be." Adam pushed himself up, making it easier for Sauli to slip from his grasp. "Feelin' a little cockblocked here— _and_ cookblocked!"

"Oh, you." Sauli gave Adam's ass a quick grope, and headed for the kitchen, saying, "You will love this!" over his shoulder.

Adam flipped back over, and Sauli in again, looking at him with raised eyebrows. "You are not coming?"

"Nah, I'm saving that for later," Adam joked, and patted his crotch. Then, he added, "Don't worry. I live with Lambert. He likes to set things on fire sometimes. Cream sauce is much easier to clean up."

Sauli turned away, laughter ringing out in his wake, and Adam smiled to himself as he sprawled across the couch. At last, his worries were starting to fade, replaced with a different—and far better—kind of tension smoldering low in his belly, warm as the flickering glow of the candles around him. He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the dividing window, and grinned at the rumpled hot mess that was looking back at him. "You lucky fucker," he said, and raised his glass in a toast to himself.

 _You don't have both of them yet_ , his mind reminded him, a harsh dose of reality that made him go cold. The glass between the two rooms was still dark, Lambert's side still empty, and he longed to send Lambert a text, just to check on him. He resisted. Lambert was intimidated enough, and the last thing Adam wanted to do was scare him even more.

Instead, he shrugged off his cardigan and tossed it aside, then grabbed his drink and settled back against the throw pillows, trying to get comfortable. He could hear Sauli clanking around in the kitchen, humming off key as he prepared their meal, and he was overcome with fondness. He truly did have a wonderful boyfriend, one who was as generous and kind as he was filthy and hilarious. No matter what happened that evening, Sauli would still be there.

It was nice. There was, for once, far more good in his life than there was uncertainty and emptiness. He had almost everything he wanted, much more than he ever would have expected. His album was coming together, his body was healthier than ever, and he had a wonderful person helping care for his spirit.

He was happy, and, with Sauli, he'd found home.

Footsteps approached, and Sauli came from the kitchen, carrying a steaming plate piled high with chicken, vegetables, and pasta covered in a rich cheese sauce. "Oh, God," Adam said, dropping his feet to the floor, "that smells _amazing_." And it looked so, _so_ good. His mouth watered. "How many calories are in there?"

"Tonight?" Sauli shrugged, and twirled the noodles around a fork, then stabbed a piece of chicken and broccoli. "None." He blew on the bite, cooling it. "We share. Here." He lifted it to Adam's lips, and urged him to try. "But be careful—very hot."

Adam nodded, and blew on it himself. He could still feel the heat radiating from the food, and tentatively took it into his mouth and chewed. He moaned, eyes rolling back. It was more incredible than it smelled, rich and flavorful, and he ate it slowly, between repeated exclamations of "Oh my God."

"Good?" Sauli asked, hesitantly.

"Oh my fucking God, _yes_." Adam nodded vigorously, and gestured toward the plate. "God, you are so fucking hot to me right now, you have _no idea_. If you keep cooking for me like that all the time, I will, like, fuck you 'til my dick falls off, swear to God."

Sauli laughed, and handed Adam the fork. "Here. Eat." He took a bite of his own, and hummed in approval. "This is very good," Sauli agreed, swallowing.

"Yeah, it is. You should make it all the time." Adam went for another bite, and around his mouthful, said, "We can have a whole lotta sex to—" Sauli laughed again, and Adam swallowed. "What?"

"You are always looking for excuses to have sex with me, aren't you?"

"Well, _duh_." Adam rolled his eyes. "Do you have any idea how hot you are? God. You're an amazing cook, you're funny as hell, you're sweet, and," he gestured along the length of Sauli's body, " _damn_. Your body is bangin.'" He reached for the wine, ready for a drink. "And the sex really is that good. We should fuck all the time, basically." He drank, and offered the glass to Sauli, who took it.

"To be honest," Adam went on, "when we live together, I'm not sure we'll ever make it out of the house again." He could see it clearly, the two of them walking around inside a sunlit house together, both unabashedly naked and freshly fucked, while Lambert tried to slip back into a thousand layers of clothing that Adam and Sauli kept removing. They would settle into their own kind of domestic bliss, all cozy comfort and decadent hedonism, happy in their own possibly fucked-up way. It made a beautiful picture in his mind.

"Y'know, I'm not really that hungry," Adam said, smirking, and tossed his empty fork on the plate. "Fuck the plan. I think we should have sex right now."

Sauli's fork stopped halfway to his mouth, and he quirked his lips. "You do, do you?" he asked, coyly, and ate.

"Mm-hm." Adam slid his hand across his own thigh, and cupped the swell of his hard cock, making damn sure Sauli noticed.

"And if I want to finish—oh." Sauli's eyes went wide, and he put down his plate and fork, and licked his lips.

Adam's mind did a victory dance. Unless something was wrong, showing off his dick was a surefire way to grab Sauli's attention. "Are you sure you do not want to finish eating—"

" _Very_ sure." Whatever Sauli started to say was lost to Adam's lips. He straddled Sauli's lap and kissed him hard again, holding him down and guiding him with a light press of his hand against his throat. All he wanted was touch, wanted to feel and be and _connect_. And they did, both making desperate sounds and clinging to the other, guiding each other deeper as they explored each other's mouths with slick lips and tangling tongues.

Adam was an amazing kisser, and he knew it. He poured all he had into the kiss, into that one fleeting moment that always meant the world, always said everything he couldn't. They didn't need words—they never had, though silence was a stranger to them both. But they understood each other, needing nothing more than a touch to say everything.

Another tug at the bottom of Adam's shirt made him break away to pull it off, and he absently threw it behind him. It hit the wineglass, knocking it to the floor, but not breaking it. He and Sauli turned to see, then shared an incredulous look.

"Oops," Adam said, breaking the brief tension, and they devolved into a fit of helpless snickering. "Good thing I didn't like that wine very much."

"Ha!" Then, Sauli glared, and, struggling to maintain it, said, "If you stop to clean that up, I am leaving you."

Adam snorted. The idea of stopping for that had hardly crossed his mind. "Well," he said, tilting Sauli's chin up again, and he gave his lips a quick peck. "We wouldn't want that, now would we?" Then, he looked down again, eying the mess, and he got an idea. "Here."

He hopped to his feet, careful to avoid the puddle of wine. Grinning, Sauli held out a hand, and asked, "Will you lead me over the spill of wine like a gentleman?" Adam had a better idea. Instead, he picked Sauli up and threw him over his shoulder. Sauli yelped, and shouted, "Put me down!" but couldn't stop giggling. "You are silly!"

"Yep!" Adam spun him around in the small space between the couch and the bed, and Sauli smacked his ass. "Whoa, hey! Don't make me drop you, God!"

"Don't pick me up next time!" He swatted Adam's ass again.

Adam laughed. "Okay, just for that..." He trailed off, and dropped Sauli on the bed. "See? Chivalry isn't dead after all."

Then, Adam pounced.

♦

Lambert's tumbler of scotch sat untouched, and the pretty boy who'd draped himself along his side yammered on, unheard.

Thinking was supposed to be for other people. He'd come to forget he had a brain, and he hadn't taken a single drink.

The lights of the club flickered like colorful flames through the watery amber liquid. He absently traced his fingers through the pooling condensation spreading across the bar, staring into the glass like it might hold some key to understanding the fuckery of his life. It didn't help. He was surrounded by happy people, all dancing and partying, all having the good time he usually had at a club like this. Hell, even the guy climbing all over him was in a better mood, and all he'd done all night was bitch about how men were awful douchebags who kept dumping him, bawww, but maybe you could be The One, pretty boy?

It turned out, rock bottom wasn't always spent lying in a ditch somewhere, covered in your own vomit and tripping in a chemical haze that was hardly fun anymore. Or even going into a half-depressive drunken rage and setting most of your apartment on fire, then having your ass saved from jail by the half-self you'd nearly killed throwing a candle into the flames before passing out. Sometimes, it was when you were that miserable, sober bastard at the club who really did have something better waiting back at home, but couldn't take it because "happiness was bad," or some other bullshit excuse.

There'd been a hand held out for him—two, by good people—and he was still staring into a glass full of good scotch and melted ice, waiting for...no, he didn't even know what he was waiting for anymore. God, he was so fucking sick of himself.

Did he actually have a chance?

Adam had given him space, like he'd wanted. He'd expected an afternoon and evening filled with worried texts and more frantic calls, but had been gifted with blissful silence. Of course, he'd taken advantage, and crashed at a hotel for a few hours, with plans to spend the night. He needed _time_. But he'd somehow actually _missed_ Adam clucking at him like an obnoxious mother hen. That gave him pause. Maybe he didn't need time after all?

Then, the person who _was_ annoying him jabbed his shoulder with a finger. "Are you even listening to me?"

Lambert gave him his best _Bitch, please_ look. "Does it fucking look like it?" He added a sharp, "Go. Away." in case that didn't get the point across. It did, thank fuck. The guy flounced off, in search of some other shoulder to whine on, and Lambert went back to brooding.

Without the chatter, Lambert was left alone with his conflicted brain again. That, unfortunately, was worse. His mind was focused on only one thing—Adam. Adam, Adam, Adam—everything was _always_ Adam. And while he was off being a melodramatic bitch, Adam was probably having a great night with his boyfriend.

He was Adam, too. Why _didn't_ he get the happy ending?

Of course. He groaned, and dropped his head on the bar. He was the dumbassiest dumbass to ever dumbass. They'd offered him their happy ending, to let him in and share, and he was a fucking coward and said no, then "maybe."

"Hey," he said, to the bartender, "is it better to go after something that _might_ fail and fuck up your life, but could be pretty fucking awesome, too, or to keep going after the same old harmless shit that's always gonna amount to nothing?"

After giving him a confused look—which, yeah, Lambert had to admit, his question was rambly as fuck—the bartender shrugged a slim, tattooed shoulder, but seemed to actually ponder the question as he wiped a glass dry. Any other night, Lambert would've taken that gorgeous little thing home and given him the best fuck of his life, then have forgotten his name by morning. "I say go for the risky thing," he said, finally, "unless it's illegal. Or, hey—maybe even if it is."

"Thanks," Lambert said, reaching into his pocket for some cash, and actually meant it. "You've been a good help." Then, he tossed a hundred dollar bill on the bar, and gave the guy a wink. "Keep the change."

It was far too much, for an answer that he already knew, but what the hell? He left the guy gaping after him as he sauntered out the door and into what could be the biggest night of his life.

Something this big should have been a bit more dramatic, he thought. There should have been bright lights, blaring trumpets, and applause just for him. Instead, there was a car ride spent bundled in a ratty but soothing cardigan, and a quick stop at a grocery store for a large bottle of ginger ale that probably wouldn't calm his stomach's anxious roiling one damn bit.

"Might wanna spring for something with real ginger in it next time," the cashier told him, giving him a pitying smile along with his receipt and credit card. Then, she added, "Feel better, sir," as he walked away, and, oh, hell. Just how bad did he look?

He scrambled back to the car, in a hurry to see for himself, and immediately wished he hadn't. "Oh, _God_." Even after a shower, he'd still driven right through "Hot Mess" and jumped straight into "Total Fucking Disaster." This was bad. Really, really bad.

He made another stop at a drugstore, and snagged their most expensive cheap eye makeup, some shitty cologne that smelled halfway decent, and a hairbrush, and after, well. It wasn't _good_ , and it definitely wasn't within the general vicinity of _sexy_ , but it was a start.

"Better than nothing," he said, to himself, and took a drink of ginger ale, wishing he had some pot (or maybe some fucking Valium) instead.

♦

"There." Adam tossed his shirt aside. "Better?"

"Yes." The raw hunger in Sauli's eyes nearly made him blush. Sauli whispered something in Finnish, and traced a hand reverently over one of Adam's shoulders and down his chest. "Your body." Sauli's crooked smile was filthy, even as he placed his hand over Adam's pounding heart. "Mine."

Adam's grin turned wicked. "You like it, do you?" Sauli nodded. "What do you like most about it? That I can do this?" He stretched along the length of Sauli's body, covering him completely. "God, you're so tiny," he said. "I love it."

Sauli scowled. "You have ridiculous hair and wear tall and ridiculous shoes. That is why." He leaned up and nipped Adam's bottom lip. "I am not tiny."

"Whatever you say," Adam said, airily. "But I'm not wearing my totally _awesome_ shoes right now. _But_." He slipped his hand between Sauli's legs, and Sauli groaned and thrust up against his palm. "You're not tiny everywhere."

Tired of those annoying clothes in his way, Adam let go, and unfastened Sauli's jeans. "Lemme see more of this." He yanked them down to Sauli's knees, and, almost wanted to leave them there. Sauli looked so fucking hot with his pants halfway off, his briefs pushed low, his cock straining against the thin cotton. A faint sheen of sweat glistened across the revealed strip of freckled skin, the sharp lines of Sauli's hipbones, the firm belly hidden by Sauli's tight blue shirt. Adam trailed his fingers down the line of coarse curls that disappeared beneath Sauli's clothes, smiling at the twitch of muscles beneath his hand and the sharp intake of breath when he reached his destination.

"There we go," Adam said, and leaned close, inhaling the scent of sex and skin. His lips brushed the head of Sauli's cock through damp fabric, an accident at first, and Sauli let out a small, beautiful moan. Fuck, those _noises_ Sauli always made. He dragged his lips along the line of Sauli's cock, earning another needy cry, and another as he slid down, then licked him from the bottom to the leaking top and back again. Slow, wet licks made Sauli whimper and squirm, and lazy, gentle suction wrung tiny, insistent sounds from Sauli's throat and had him thrusting against Adam's lips.

"Please," Sauli rasped, but there was no need to hurry, not yet. "I—"

"Shh," Adam said, his breath hitting the wet fabric, and Sauli made a strangled sound and twisted his hands in Adam's hair. The sharp hint of pain hit Adam deep inside, hot and tight and good, urging him on. He sought the head of Sauli's cock through the thin, smooth fabric, and dragged his tongue over the tip, tasting the salty bitterness leaking through the bland cloth. Sauli swore, and Adam chuckled to himself, then played with the sensitive head.

Teasing swipes and flicks of tongue alternated with light sucks and cool breath on damp skin, giving him the satisfaction of turning Sauli into a thrashing, begging wreck. Between broken, sob-like noises, Sauli fought against his constricting jeans, cursing and praising Adam's name in the same desperate breaths. Adam's cock ached, throbbing in his too-tight jeans, and he pressed the heel of a hand against it, bringing minimal relief. Sauli was not the only one going crazy, not the only one who needed more than this.

"Please," Sauli whispered, "Adam, I want—"

Adam sat back on his knees, and licked his lips. "I know, baby," he said, and helped Sauli out of his jeans, then tossed them to the floor. Sauli's soaked briefs soon followed, leaving his cock free to rise against his belly, jutting just above the end of his shirt. Adam's mouth went dry at the sight. He wasted no time unfastening his own jeans and yanking them down, and nearly fell off the bed in his haste to get them off and kick them to the floor. "Shit!" He barely caught himself, and Sauli laughed at him. Adam glared, though he was amused himself, and growled, "Think that's funny?"

Sauli widened his eyes, feigning innocence, and not fooling Adam a bit. "Yes."

"Oh?" Adam pushed himself up and straddled Sauli's body, looming over him. "I should do something about that, shouldn't I? Should I punish you?"

"You should." Sauli smirked, and batted at the strands of black hair falling in Adam's face. "What do you have in mind?"

"I—something." Sauli laughed again, and Adam blew a raspberry at him. "Oh, _hush_ , you bitch. I should fuck that look off your face." He thought about his words a second too long, and started giggling. "Oh, God, that was bad."

"We are _horrible_ at this. We should stop talking," Sauli said, and pulled Adam down, "and you should act on these threats. Or—" He skimmed a finger along the cleft of Adam's ass, and Adam took a shuddering breath. "—I may take matters into my own hands."

"Oh yeah?" He leaned in and dragged his tongue along Sauli's jaw, seeking that one spot that always made him melt. He found it, and Sauli's hand fell away, and twisted in the sheets. Adam nipped him lightly, and scraped his teeth down Sauli's neck, over the butterfly tattoo down to the faint but heavy pounding of his pulse. He was interrupted by the collar of Sauli's shirt, and he huffed in irritation and sat back on his knees again. "Shirt," he said, at Sauli's confused and disappointed look, and helped pull it off, resisting the urge to rip it apart.

They'd taken enough time. Lambert obviously wasn't coming, and Adam could hardly feel his disappointment through the haze of wine and lust. Instead, he gave Sauli's body one last look, drinking in the lines of his muscles and endless stretch of skin, the slight curve of his belly, the sharp path from his slender hips pointing to his cock. "Turn over."

Sauli didn't protest. He rolled over and spread his legs wide, ready for Adam. Adam's cock twitched, and he ran an appreciative hand over Sauli's taut ass, then gave it a squeeze. He loved Sauli's ass, the shape, the feel, the way his tan didn't stop. Adam's free hand slid up the back of Sauli's thigh to join the other, and he kneaded each cheek, fingers skirting ever closer to the center. Beneath him, Sauli began to writhe again, breath ragged, and with a smirk, Adam spread his cheeks and dragged his tongue along the cleft.

Sauli cried out, and Adam chuckled and licked again, earning another frantic whimper and a whispered, " _God_." He teased Sauli there as he did his cock, tongue moving in featherlight swipes, deep and broad strokes, quick flicks over his hole. Sauli squirmed and pleaded, and pushed back shamelessly against Adam's mouth, but Adam held him down, fingers digging hard into the flesh of Sauli's ass.

He pushed his tongue _in_ , and the sound of Sauli's yell went straight to his cock. He thrust in deeper, into tight heat, and Sauli's hole clenched around his tongue. "Please," Sauli choked out, his breath coming hard and loud as Adam kept going, sliding out slowly and plunging in again between tiny licks around the sensitive skin, meant to drive Sauli crazy. "Please, Adam, I need—" He broke off with another shout as Adam pushed in again, thrusting mercilessly, stretching and fucking Sauli with his tongue.

Behind them, glass shattered. They both jumped, and Adam pulled out and whipped his head around.

"I couldn't find my key," Lambert said. His yellow eyes met Adam's, and his gaze was so intense it made Adam's heart skip a beat.

"You could've knocked," Adam said, getting up to greet him and help him step through the window. "Careful, there's—"

As soon as Lambert was inside, he was on Adam, hauling him in close for a crushing kiss. Adam yelped in surprise, the noise drowned by Lambert's lips, and gave in, melting in Lambert's embrace. The kiss was powerful, demanding, harsh and exquisite, all teeth and tongues and passion, and it stole the breath from Adam's lungs. But it burned out as quickly as it started, leaving Adam reeling and dazed. "You came," he said.

"Yeah," Lambert replied, voice rough and quiet. He buried his face in the crook of Adam's bare shoulder and heaved a sigh, then slumped against him. "Yeah, I did."

"Oh, honey." Adam gave in to his protective urge, and hugged Lambert tight, pulling them both away from the broken glass. "I missed you," he said. "I really, really missed you."

"Couldn't stop thinking about you," Lambert said. "Checked into a hotel, went out to a club to get drunk and meet someone fun." With a bitter laugh, he shook his head. "Felt like such a miserable dick, didn't take a single drink, even got asked if I was sick, oh my God. I'm pathetic."

"You're not." Adam tilted Lambert's chin up, forcing him to meet his eyes. "Please stop calling yourself that. I'm glad you came back," he said. "Really."

"Right." Lambert scoffed. "Sure, I—"

"No," Adam said. "Look at me. Fucking _look at me_." He stared into Lambert's eyes, silently begging him to understand. "You are not pathetic." Lambert trembled in his arms, and Adam rubbed circles across his back, trying to be soothing. "You are not ugly or evil or fat or cold or whatever the fuck else it is that goes through your head."

"I—"

" _No_. You are not doing this to yourself tonight. Okay?" _Please_ , Adam thought. _Please believe me. Please, please, please..._

Lambert nodded, and Adam felt like crying with relief. But Lambert still looked so unsure, so off-balance. Not knowing how to reassure him, Adam kissed him gently, lovingly, cradling Lambert's head and just pressing their lips together. No pressure, no demands, just lips on lips and the hope that Lambert would let go, would let Adam break through the barbed wire and the concrete walls he'd built around himself.

Instead, Lambert pulled away, and took a step back. Adam let him. "What are we, um...what are we doing here?" Lambert motioned between them. "With this."

"Being together?" Adam smiled at him, hoping it was reassuring. It wasn't.

"It's not just a threesome?"

Adam shook his head. "You know I don't do threesomes anymore," he said.

"Yeah, well. I'm not gonna be second place. Either you love me as much as you love him—" Lambert's voice cracked. "—or I'm outta here, 'cause I'm not a fucktoy or a whore or any of that shit, and I am _not_ gonna be—not even for you."

Adam winced, but it was Sauli who spoke up. "That is not what we want." Sauli came up behind them, and pressed himself against Adam's back, then stroked Lambert's arm. "Adam is unhappy without you—as unhappy as I am without him."

"Yeah." Adam nodded. "I love Sauli so, so much." Lambert's face fell further. "But I also love _you_. You—Adam." Lambert's eyebrows rose sharply, and Adam went on talking. "You know who I am better than anyone. This is _us._ " He stepped back, and pulled Sauli into their embrace, and Lambert looked away. "You deserve to be happy. We want to try to give you that."

"I—" Lambert swallowed. "I don't know if I can even _be_ happy. I—fuck."

"You can be loved," Sauli said, and touched Lambert's cheek. Lambert's glistening eyes fell closed. "Even if you are not happy or cannot love."

"There's enough room for you, baby," Adam said. "Now, come on." He unbuttoned Lambert's cardigan, and slipped it off, careful to avoid the glass when he let it hit the floor, then gave Lambert a wicked smile. "Let's have some fun."

Lambert snorted, but the stiffness was still there, the trembling, the fear, so Adam didn't try to remove his long-sleeved black shirt. "You don't know how to have fun," Lambert teased, but his voice sounded off, and he wiped his eyes on his sleeves.

Sauli laughed. "Does not know how to have fun? Adam?"

Lambert sniffed the air, and gestured broadly around the room. "Fucking vanilla _candles?_ " He made a disgusted face, and pulled off his shirt. "Seriously? Candles?" Sauli's gaze trailed over Lambert's chest, and his eyes went wide with hunger at the sight of Lambert's pierced nipples. "Surprised there ain't, like, rose petals and shit like that all over the place."

Sauli tore his gaze from the sight of Lambert's piercings, and wrinkled his nose. "We tried that in Paris," he said, sinking to his knees, and he reached for the zipper of one of Lambert's wedge-heeled leather boots. "It did not end well."

"Flower crap in places it should never be?" Lambert gave Sauli a knowing look.

"Hey! You said it was lovely!" Adam pouted.

"Aww." Sauli unzipped the boot, and smirked up at Lambert. "He is so...precious, yes?"

" _Seriously_." Lambert leaned against Adam as he stepped out of his tall boot, and for a moment, Adam was tempted to let him stumble. "I don't know how someone who gives such _awesome_ rimjobs and head and gets laid more than me can act like such a sappy, innocent _virgin_ , but..."

"Mm." Sauli nodded, and freed Lambert from the other boot. "I bet if I asked you to both fuck me at once—"

Adam looked down, gaping. " _What?_ At the same time? Is that even _possible?_ "

Lambert doubled over with laughter. "Oh, God, you poor, innocent bastard. You didn't know that by now?"

"Yes, Adam." Sauli hopped to his feet, and gave Adam a quick kiss, then untied the laces of Lambert's leather pants. "One day, we will introduce you to better porn. Until then..." He waved a hand, and walked back to the bed, and he flopped down on his back. "I am quite flexible." He slid a hand down his chest, and wrapped it around his cock. "In many ways. You know this."

Lambert looked over at Sauli, and Sauli gave him an evil smirk. "I like this one," Lambert said, and slipped out of his pants, stripping himself bare. "You should keep him."

Adam shrugged. "Trying to," he said, quietly. "And you."

"Heh." Lambert reached out a shaking hand, and pulled Adam to him again for a surprisingly tender kiss, but the tension still stood between them, the live wires ready to snap. "You really don't want me," he added, then took a step back.

"Bullshit." Adam yanked him back in and kissed him so hard their teeth clashed, kissed him so hard it hurt. Lambert was not going to sabotage himself. He was _not_. Adam refused to allow it. Lambert growled and bit Adam's lip, a sharp shock of pain that left Adam tasting metal, and Adam grabbed him by the throat and shoved a thigh between his legs. Lambert groaned, and thrust against it shamelessly, but seemed to catch himself, and tried to pull away. Adam didn't let him.

Then, Lambert got his way, and they broke apart, panting, and stared each other down.

"This," Lambert said, "is exactly why we shouldn't do this. We're both like—"

"No." Cold panic replaced the heat in Adam's veins. "You are _not_ leaving. You are _not_ fucking this up for yourself. I said—"

Lambert let out a sound halfway between a sob and a snarl. "What makes you think this is gonna be so fucking good for _me?_ Every fucking time—"

"Because I lose _everything_ if this fails!" Adam let go, and stared into Lambert's eyes again, trying to make him _see_. "The two of you mean more to me than _anything_. I'm not just _saying_ that. And it kills me—it fucking _kills me_ —to see you being so fucking miserable you're making yourself _sick_."

"I'm not—"

"I _know you_."

"Oh, bullshit. You don't know me at _all._ "

"I don't?" Adam gestured toward Lambert's room. "All I had to do was take one look around in there, and...God, I wish I'd done it sooner, 'cause I fucked up. I fucked up big time. And, yeah, you're a bit of a dick, but you _really_ didn't deserve it."

Adam sank down on the bed, and ran a hand over his face, then looked into Lambert's eyes again. "I'm so sorry I've hurt you before. I'm so sorry I've been such an _ass_ , but I—fuck." With a defeated sigh, he dropped his hand into his lap, and Sauli slipped behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "All I've ever wanted is to be happy—for _both of us_ to be happy. That's it. And I'm so sorry that I've completely _sucked_ at it, but I _need you_. Does it make me a selfish bastard if I need to make you happy?"

"You _can't_." Lambert raked a hand through his messy hair, and shouted, "You can't make me happy—I can't fucking _be_ happy! Stop torturing me with—"

"Enough!" Sauli shouted, jumping off the bed, and stalked around the room, gesturing wildly as he spoke. "Both of you. You are going around and around and around in the same circles Adam has been going in all night and you are both hurting my head with it! You are not very different—the two of you. _You_ —" He stabbed a finger at Lambert. "—are not evil, and—" He patted Adam's shoulder. "—my Adam is not perfect. But you are both terrified. Does that mean you should both give up? That you should quit trying? Hm? Does that mean I should pack my things and go back to my family, my country, my _life_ , just because I am terrified I may not make another family and another life here?"

Sauli gave them an expectant look, but neither Adam nor Lambert had an answer. "You are both being _stupid_. If everyone stopped trying when something might not work out or make them happy, then no one would ever be happy. So both of you shut the _fuck_ up, and at least _try!_ "

Adam's jaw dropped, and he ducked his head in shame. "You're right. I—"

Lambert, however, said, "Wow. That was kinda hot."

"Thank you," Sauli said. "Think of what I said. Give it a try tonight." He got back on the bed, and settled down on his back. "We are all already naked anyway, and we are all sexy." Lambert wrapped his arms self-consciously around his middle, the gesture so automatic Adam wondered if Lambert even noticed. "Why should we not fuck? It's fun!" Then, in a serious voice, Sauli added, "Unless you do not enjoy sex, Lambert?"

Lambert's eyes snapped up then. "I love sex," he said.

"There we go, then." Sauli tossed a bottle of lube to Lambert, who fumbled to catch it. "There's one thing you enjoy. And Adam has said you like chocolate and movies and music—do those not make you happy, even for a moment?"

Lambert took a step closer, and hope flared in Adam's chest. "You _can_ be happy, if you let yourself," Adam said, speaking cautiously. "And I'd like it to be with us. Please."

"Yes," Sauli said. "So would I."

Lambert was silent for a long moment, studying the bottle he held, turning it over in his hands as he chewed his battered bottom lip. Finally, he shrugged, and raised his head high. "I'm already naked anyway, so what the hell."

Adam clapped his hands together and beamed, and Sauli shouted, "Yay!"

Lambert let out a small laugh, and eyed Sauli. "Enthusiastic little fucker, aren't you?"

"It is a great way to live life," Sauli said.

"Yeah, yeah, seize the day, _carpe diem_ , whatever." Lambert stepped closer, and loomed in front of Adam, his grin feral, and Adam fluttered his eyelashes and nabbed the chance to kiss Lambert's stomach. "Oh, this is going to be _interesting_."

Sauli said, "It better be," as Lambert shoved Adam on his back. "Maybe you should kiss him?"

"You'd like that?" Lambert laughed darkly, and Adam didn't have to see Sauli to know he'd nodded. "I could do that. Or maybe we should pick up where he left off earlier, with you?"

"I'm up for that," Adam said.

Lambert turned his smirk on Sauli. "How much you think you can take?"

Adam looked at Sauli, but Sauli smirked right back at Lambert, then rolled over, and said, "Whatever you two have got. Give me."

Adam watched Lambert's face, waiting to see what he would do. "I've got a lot," Lambert said, climbing on beside them. He tossed the bottle of lube in Adam's direction, and dragged his hand over Sauli's ass, then gave it a light swat. "Oh, _nice_. Even better in person."

"You have seen my ass?" Sauli asked.

"'Calming Music' on Adam's laptop doesn't have much calming music in it. _Great_ pictures, though."

Adam stamped down a small flare of possessive jealousy as Sauli spread his legs and Lambert climbed between them, reminding himself they were _both_ his now. So, he crawled over and settled in behind Lambert, and dragged his lips over the curve of a freckled shoulder.

"Look at this," Lambert said, parting Sauli's cheeks as Adam peppered kisses across his back. "Isn't he a—ooh. Hello there."

Adam peered over Lambert's shoulder, and saw a faint sheen of lube along Sauli's ass and around his hole. The almost forgotten need inside began smoldering again, and whispered, "Fuck."

"Just what _were_ you doing when we were fighting?" Lambert asked. "Hm?"

" _Some_ of it was sexy," Sauli said, leering. "I enjoyed watching."

"Oh, really." Lambert turned to Adam and said, "Let's give him a show first. Roll back over."

Sauli hurried to sit back up, and Lambert turned and climbed into Adam's lap. The look on Lambert's face was pure trouble, challenging and smug, daring Adam to back down.

Instead, Adam grabbed Lambert's half-hard cock, and gave it a slow, tight stroke. Lambert's mouth fell open, from shock and from pleasure, and he moaned. Adam dragged his hand along the thick length, slowly, surely. He knew what he liked, knew what _Lambert_ liked. How a flick of his wrist at just the right spot would make Lambert groan and arch against him, how sliding his thumb over the damp and sensitive head made Lambert fall eerily silent, eyes closed and mouth gaping. He sped up then, developing a swift but precise rhythm, dragging Lambert to full hardness, and took Lambert's balls into his other hand.

Sauli made a choked noise, and Adam heard him open the lube. Their eyes locked for a moment, but Sauli's hand distracted him. Adam stared, transfixed, as Sauli slicked his fingers and reached between his legs, not going for his cock, but lower. Two fingers went in easily, and Adam bit his lip, watching, torn between jerking Lambert off and watching _this_ , watching Sauli finger himself, spreading his legs, his fingers making wet and gorgeous sounds as he thrust back on his hand. Adam lost his rhythm, and the hand around Lambert's cock moved in stuttered strokes, and was thrown more off course when Lambert's cool fingers wrapped around Adam's cock and began to move.

"This what you wanted?" Lambert asked. "We giving you a good show?"

"Yes," Sauli said, staring at the movement of Adam's and Lambert's hands. He whispered something Adam could not understand, and slid in a third finger, and a fourth. The hand on Adam's cock went still, and his own hands fell into Lambert's lap.

"We should help him out," Lambert said. Adam didn't disagree. The two of them moved closer to Sauli, Lambert eying him hungrily, and Adam picked up the bottle of lube and offered it to Lambert. Lambert raised his eyebrows. "You sure? You don't want—"

Adam nodded. "I like to watch, too. It's _very_ entertaining."

"Dirty fuckers." Lambert slicked his fingers with lube, and reached for Sauli's ass. His hand hovered over it, and Adam nodded in approval. "You're just as slutty as I am."

"There's something wrong with that?" He dragged his hands up Lambert's sides, planning to play with Lambert's piercings. But Lambert sucked in his stomach, and Adam stopped, and placed his hands across it. "Sex is _fun_ , long as everyone's into it." That Lambert wasn't, still too distracted by his insecurities, hurt Adam's heart. Adam lowered his voice, and said, "Sorry," and began to rub Lambert's much-hated belly. That had always felt good to him, even when he also hated his own body, and Adam hoped it could soothe Lambert's worries. "It's okay," he whispered, lightly massaging the tense, quivering muscles beneath the barely-soft flesh, and kissed the damp back of Lambert's neck. "You're beautiful. Really. Relax for a bit."

"I—"

Adam shushed him. "I don't like mine much, either," he said. "But it's okay. You're okay. You're sexy. We're sexy."

Finally, Lambert exhaled, and his muscles went lax beneath Adam's hands. Adam said, "Thank you," against Lambert's skin, and felt like he'd exhaled, too.

Lambert didn't say a word, but he let his head fall back on Adam's shoulder, and placed a hand on one of Adam's, holding it in place over his navel. Accepting Adam's acceptance. Adam smiled, and kissed Lambert's shoulder. They'd get there eventually.

Adam went back to his rant. "I really don't get why having sex is such a damn crime. You get to connect, to let go, to—"

"Get naked and have orgasms." Lambert slipped the first of his fingers into Sauli's hole, and Sauli made an impatient noise. "What? Too much for you?"

Adam could almost hear Sauli rolling his eyes. "I think more than a _finger_ is needed for this, yes?"

"Like this?" Lambert pulled out and suddenly slid in three, and Sauli let out a pained groan and nodded, clenching his fists in the pillowcases. Lambert laughed triumphantly, but was cut off with a broken, "Oh, _fuck_ ," when Adam dragged a thumb over a nipple. "Jesus fucking _Christ_."

 Adam could remember how sensitive he'd been when he'd still had his piercings, how even the lightest touch had been almost too much. That Lambert had kept his was hardly a surprise. "Too much" was rarely enough for Lambert. Adam reached for the other, and chuckled against the sweat-soaked back of Lambert's neck at the sound of his swears as he rolled the hard nipples between his fingers.

"I can't believe you're the 'good' one. You're such a _bitch._ " Lambert thrust the fingers in Sauli's ass a touch too hard, perhaps on accident, and Sauli jerked beneath him. "Blame your fucking boyfriend, sweetheart," Lambert said, sounding half-halfheartedly apologetic. "Sorry."

Sauli swore in broken words, a lengthy string of expletives that ended with a barely audible, " _Harder_."

Lambert gave Adam a heated look. "Oh, this one's _hot_ , seriously. What's he doing with you again?"

Adam bit Lambert's shoulder, and Sauli said, " _Adam_ is actually good in be—" Lambert did something with his hand that made Sauli moan, long and low and dirty, and push his ass back on Lambert's fingers.

"Fuck him like that," Adam said. "With your hand. He can take it."

"Can _you?_ " Lambert asked, voice husky.

Adam replied by letting go and wrapping a hand around Lambert's cock again. "Definitely."

It was the perfect sort of pattern. Lambert's fingers stretched and fucked Sauli's hole, making slick, obscene sounds with every deep, hard slide. Adam kept playing with one of Lambert's nipples, and stroked Lambert's cock, his own aching length pressed against the curve of Lambert's round ass. Just enough friction to leave him wanting more, but he didn't need it, not yet, not with Sauli and Lambert losing their minds in front of him, both making low, free noises, dirty whines and pleading moans and the whisper of skin on sweat-slick skin. For Adam, it wasn't about the sex—it was the _connection_ , the beautiful motion of the two people he loved most joining him in the incredible path to ecstasy.

And it was really fucking hot.

He ground his erection against Lambert's ass, unable to hold back. Everything was _this_ , nerves consumed by burning want, all stretched to the limit as the heat pooling inside coiled tighter. He should hold back, he thought. Should slow himself down, shouldn't rut against Lambert's ass like it was as important as breathing, but everything was so fucking _good_ , so fucking much and so fucking little, and if he didn't come soon...

"Stop, stop." Lambert grabbed Adam's wrist. "If you keep that shit up, I'm gonna—"

"Yeah." Adam released a shuddering breath, and let go of Lambert's cock. "And if I don't—"

"Get down here," Lambert said. "We should both be doing this."

Adam nodded, and he crawled up beside Lambert and stared. Three of Lambert's fingers were buried deep in Sauli's ass, Sauli's hole stretched around them, and, _God_ , he couldn't look away. "Wow."

Lambert offered him the lube, but Adam shook his head and bent down. He dragged his tongue around the tight hole, and dipped in the tip experimentally. It went in easily, and Sauli keened.

Lambert shushed Sauli, and, to Adam's surprise, rubbed the small of Sauli's back, soothing him as Adam licked around Lambert's fingers, barely slipped the tip of his tongue inside and pulled out just as quickly. Lambert added a fourth finger, and Adam followed with his tongue. It hardly seemed to fit, and then it did, and Sauli went pliant around them.

They both took advantage, Adam's tongue and Lambert's fingers plunging into and sliding out of the clenching hole, urged on by Sauli thrusting back and grinding against the mattress below. Adam's jaw and tongue ached, his lungs begged for air, but he was intoxicated, driven by choked half-sobs and words he knew Lambert did not understand, and the foreign feeling of another's hand moving alongside his tongue. He wondered if he could come from this, from the sight of Sauli opening around them, the taste and smell of skin and sex and lube, and the sheer exhilaration of making Sauli forget his own name.

"I'm ready," Sauli said. " _Please_."

"Oh, no way." Still, Lambert pulled his fingers out, and again held the lube in front of Adam's eyes. "We're both fucking _huge_. You're gonna need more—" Sauli whined impatiently, shaking. "You've never done this before, have you?"

Adam looked up, and expected Sauli to shake his head. The silence was answer enough. Questions formed in Adam's shocked mind—who, where, when, _how?_ He was about to pull out and ask, when Sauli finally said, "Toys. Several." Sauli chuckled. "I try new things."

 _Oh God_. Adam couldn't hold back a moan. Sauli's surprises were going to kill him someday.

"Fuck yeah!" Lambert got up, and said, "I'll get the condoms."

Adam slipped his tongue free and bit Sauli's ass, and then Sauli rolled on his back and gave Adam a cautious smile and a shrug. "You are not mad, are you?"

"I thought you were a _virgin_ ," Adam replied, faking a scandalized stare. Then, he grinned, and slid up beside Sauli. "You're a really good fuck. That doesn't just _happen_."

"It did with me," Lambert said, and he smacked Adam's ass and tossed a condom packet on it. "I am _that amazing_. And nice bruises, klutz."

"Yeah, fuck you," Adam said, lightly. "You had a head start." Then, more seriously, he asked, "How do we do... _this_?"

Lambert flopped down on his back, making the mattress bounce, and gestured along his front. "Then Sauli gets on top of me, and you get on top of both of us, and we both dive in."

Adam tried to sort it out in his mind. "This all sounds..." He shook his head. " _Complicated_." He turned to Sauli. "Baby, are you sure—"

"You are not curious?" Sauli asked, sounding astonished. "How?"

"Well..." He _was_ curious. But it all sounded so difficult. "I'm not used to putting this much effort into getting off, haha. I mean, like—"

"Aww, honey, you are _so_ cute," Lambert said. Adam flipped him off, and he cackled. "Seriously, all three of us are _definitely_ flexible enough, and—oh, don't give me that look, Adam, there are _pictures_ of him doing a back-bend in a pink skirt, and, yeah, I totally googled your boyfriend before you even knew I knew his name. Now," he tossed another condom packet at Adam's chest, "put this thing on me and lube me up."

" _Our_ boyfriend," Adam said, struggling to open the packet. He ended up having to tear it open with his teeth, and when he succeeded, he whooped in victory. Lambert rolled his eyes, and Adam stuck out his tongue. "Oh, shut up." Then, he rolled the condom down the length of Lambert's cock, delighting in the small shudder that passed through Lambert's body.

There wasn't much talking after that. Adam coated Lambert's cock with lube, moving with deliberate slowness that made Lambert bite his lip and groan, then took care of himself. "Ready?" he asked Sauli, and, for the first time, Sauli's answering smile barely reached his eyes.

"This is gonna be awesome," Lambert said. "C'mon."

Quivering nervously, Sauli sank down on Lambert's cock, his eyes falling closed, and he groaned. Adam stared in awe. So that was what he and Sauli looked like together, or close to it. Both of them were stunning, the familiar unhappiness in Lambert's face replaced with rapture, the sculpted muscles of Sauli's body taut and straining beneath his skin. Lambert was pale as ice against Sauli's gold-flecked tan, and Sauli looked so tiny lying atop Lambert's long, broad frame. They were lightness and darkness, softness beneath hardness, small and large, and their contrasting features _fit_. He wondered if they knew how gorgeous they were, or if they'd listen if he told them.

"Your turn," Lambert said.

Adam doubted they would believe him, so instead, he kept quiet, and tried to figure out how to join them. It wouldn't be easy. Sauli's hole looked impossibly full, stretched to the limit around the head of Lambert's large cock. Adam's was the same size. It wouldn't fit. It _couldn't_. But he tried it anyway, straddling them both, and seeking the best angle, missing at first, and again.

"Maybe we should..." Adam waved a hand. "I don't know. Both of us go in at the same time?"

Lambert nodded. "Yeah, okay."

Lambert pulled out, and Adam reached between them, lining up their cocks. Sauli clutched Adam's shoulders, bracing himself, and closed his eyes as they coaxed him down with agonizing slowness. Then, they were _in._ Sauli's eyes flew open.

Adam had never heard anyone make a sound like that before.

" _Fuck_ ," Lambert choked out. Adam could only agree.

It was _strange_ , familiar and unfamiliar and weird and wonderful at once. He knew the clenching heat of someone's hole and the press of a body beneath him, and the feel of another's hard cock rubbing against his own, wrapped within the tightness of a hand. Not this. This was all of them at once, and nothing like it, and all he could think was, _This is so weird. This is so fucking weird_.

Sauli began to move, pushing down upon them, and Adam bit his lip, trying to breathe through the exquisite intensity. If he could hardly handle it, he couldn't imagine how Sauli felt. Sauli, tiny Sauli, somehow taking him and Lambert at the same time, without splitting in two. It boggled Adam's shorted-out mind, so Adam gave up on thinking clearly and went with it, enjoying the delicious slide of his cock against Lambert's, both trapped inside another man's ass.

It was something he never would have considered possible, but they were _there_ , were moving in hazy slow motion, nerves too overcome for more. This wasn't sex or connection, this was communion, something deeper and bigger than themselves, great as the cool air against his burning skin, great as the slow fade of twilight into night, great as the mysteries of the Universe.

" _God_ ," Lambert breathed. "This is so fucking— _motherfuck_." He trailed off into incoherent swears, ruining Adam's dramatic spiritual revelation, bringing him back to the _need_ , the urgent punch of pleasure-pain inside, the reality of one of the strangest things he'd ever done.

He had to be close. The burning thrum inside had become an incessant throb, his body pleading for release with every pounding heartbeat. This was it. This was the edge. It had to be.

Then, Sauli threw his head back, his face a portrait of agonized ecstasy, and come shot all over Adam's belly and chest, even on his face, wet and thick and sexy as fuck. Sauli's hole clenched around them, so tight, so fucking tight, so fucking much it made Adam's eyes water, made the sharp sting of nails down his skin more vivid, made Lambert's soft, "I've got you, honey," as Sauli fell between them a distant echo. Adam sucked in a breath, but it wasn't enough, not nearly enough. Someone had stolen the air from the room, replaced it with the salt-bitter taste of come on his lips and the heat of breath and skin, left his body trembling and begging and lost.

"Come on," Lambert gritted out, and repeated the words like a prayer. But Lambert wasn't the next to fall.

For a whisper of a moment, Adam's eyes met Lambert's, and he stared into their pained, ecstatic depths. Then, it didn't matter. With one last thrust, Adam was gone, crying out as the wonderful rush of release slammed through him, wringing him out and putting him back together again.

And as he came, Lambert seized one of his hands, then arched his back and groaned, finally coming undone.

That was it. Everything was as it should have been.

Once finished, the three of them collapsed in a sweaty, tangled heap. Adam didn't want to move, didn't want to breathe or think, or think of breathing and thinking and moving. Beneath them, Sauli buried his face in the pillow and began to snore. Chuckling, Adam slipped carefully out of him and fell on his back, panting and smiling.

Lambert refused to let go of his hand.

♦

Lambert wasn't used to this. A blissfully blank mind, a man who barely knew him asleep on his arm instead of fleeing, a more familiar one close by who never wanted him to leave. He sighed, and entwined his fingers with Adam's.

He felt...good. Warm, relaxed, content, his body filled with a hazy glow. He was, should he even think it, _happy?_ Surely not—not him. Never him.

So why couldn't he stop smiling?

"Oh, God," Adam said. "That was—wow."

Lambert nodded. "Yeah," he said, and closed his eyes. There was little he could add, and didn't want to try. Trying meant thinking. Thinking meant reality. He'd give anything to hold on to the fucked-out feeling forever, for nothing to matter more than lying still and lazy and high.

Sauli snuffled in his sleep and rolled over, draping his arms and legs across Lambert's body. Adam chuckled. "So adorable," he said, and Lambert turned to see Adam looking at them with fond amusement. Hell, he could almost see gigantic red hearts blinking in Adam's blue eyes. "So beautiful. My beauti—"

"If you finish that with 'beautiful boys—'" Lambert glared halfheartedly, knowing it would be ruined when he wrapped an arm around Sauli and stroked his back. "—I _will_ kill you."

"Well, my beautiful _men_ , then." Lambert scowled, and Adam laughed softly, that ridiculous, free laugh of his, and raised Lambert's hand to his lips. "Mwah," he said, and gave Lambert's hand a smacking kiss.

Then, more sincerely, Adam said, "Thank you."

That was even more confusing. Thank you? Thank yous didn't happen to him, especially after sex. When they did, they were usually followed by, " _Now get out_." Instead, it was followed with, "I'm so glad you're here."

Lambert's brain was starting to function again, so he pretended to shrug it off. "Not like I had anything better to do."

Adam's smile didn't fade. "Yeah, you did. There's plenty of other things you could've been doing. Or people. Instead—"

"Maybe I just wanted an easy chance to get laid."

"Mm, no." Adam shook his head. "Not buying that."

"You're naive."

"Maybe." Adam shrugged. "Kinda think that's _you_ this time, though." He winked, then let go of Lambert's hand. Lambert's eyebrows went up in question, and, he hated to admit it to himself, he already missed holding Adam's hand. "I'm gonna go grab a rag," Adam explained. "Get us cleaned up."

"I'm on the outside. I'll do it." Lambert pushed himself up, groaning. "Don't look so surprised," he said, and carefully pulled off his condom and tied it closed. "Got a lot of other things to clean up, too."

He expected the other shoe to drop then, for Adam to remember who he was. Instead, Adam let out a small huff of laughter, and said, "The glass? That can wait 'til morning, and I can get that."

"I messed it up," Lambert protested. "Again, and—"

"It's really no trouble."

"—I'm tired of making you clean up my fuck-ups." He stood on quivering legs, and staggered over to Adam's side of the bed. "I'll get that, too," he said, and Adam let him remove the condom, studying Lambert's face. Lambert averted his eyes, wanting to avoid Adam's penetrating gaze. The afterglow was fading, and leaving him exposed, raw, and, worst of all, vulnerable. He faked a smile as he tied off Adam's condom, and he headed for the bathroom. "Be right back."

It almost became a lie. When he made it to the door between their rooms, he froze. It wasn't locked. He hadn't noticed that before. He could leave. It would be easy to slip through and make an escape, to give in to the insistent voice inside telling him to _run_.

Taking a deep breath, he walked on, and threw away the used condoms and retrieved a wet washcloth from the bathroom, then went back.

Adam's grin was blinding. "Thanks," Adam said, holding out his hand for the cloth.

Lambert shook his head, and he climbed over Sauli and sat down beside Adam. The two of them fell quiet as he wiped Adam clean, a comfortable silence. There should have been awkwardness, should have been unanswered questions, but the look in Adam's eyes melted them away. Adoration. Genuine fondness. Adam's face hid nothing, didn't even try to hide anything. Adam loved him, too.

"By the way," Adam said, "am I ever gonna get my—what was it— _dull_ cardigan back? Or are you gonna start drinking _dull_ tea and playing _dull_ chess with me and Sauli now?"

He didn't deserve that love, but Adam almost made him feel like he did.

"Fuck no!" He wiped the come off Adam's chin. "And nope. It's mine now."

"So, we get your heart, then?" Adam gave him the cheesiest grin he'd ever seen.

Lambert gave him his best _you fucking kidding me?_ Look. "Shut up."

After he finished and Adam pried the cloth from his hand to clean Sauli, his hand lingered on Adam's hip, absently stroking the warm, smooth skin. Adam didn't comment, just laid his free hand over Lambert's once he'd finally gotten Sauli awake enough to clean, and scooted over slightly when Lambert stretched out and settled in behind him, giving him more room.

Exhaustion started creeping in, and he yawned, but he didn't want to close his eyes. Not until he understood...

"It's all gonna be okay," Adam said, with perfect conviction. He tossed the rag to the floor and rolled over, facing Lambert. "This. The three of us. It's going to work."

Lambert frowned at the loss of connection between his and Adam's body, until Adam pulled him into his arms. "You don't know that," he insisted, for the billionth time, but he held on to Adam anyway.

"No." Adam burrowed in closer, and kissed Lambert's lips. "I don't. But we'll get there, I think. If anyone can make this mess work, it's us." He looked down, and brushed his knuckles over Lambert's stomach, and then laid his hand against Lambert's chest, but Lambert knew Adam was talking about more than his body when he said, "You don't have to hide anything. I mean it."

He was _never_ safe. Lambert shook his head. "I can't...I don't think I can believe that. I'm—"

"So fucking terrified you're, like, 'Oh my God, I'm gonna piss my pants, and I'm not even wearing any, 'cause this shit's fucking scary,' and you feel like you're gonna throw up 'cause you're so fucking nervous? Like that?"

"I _did_ throw up," Lambert said, and Adam winced. 

"Oh, sweetie—"

"Sweetie?" Lambert wrinkled his nose. "Oh, honey, _no_. Don't call me 'sweetie' or 'honey' or 'baby' or 'doll' or...whatever."

Adam chuckled. "Whatever you say, honey-sweet baby doll sugarpie."

Lambert glared, and Adam cracked up. "Oh, God, your _face!_ Yeah, no, there is no way I'm not gonna call you those things _all the time_ now." Adam poked Lambert's nose. "Not sorry 'bout it."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't."

No, he didn't. He sighed. "I'm really not used to this."

Adam nodded. "I know."

"I feel like this...like it's all gonna get snatched away from me, or I'm gonna hurt you guys, or—"

"Like you're just not good enough to deserve this?" Lambert nodded. "Yeah, I'm feeling like that, too. Like—"

"I'm gonna lose everything if this doesn't work," they said at once.

Lambert breathed a sigh of relief, and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know if I can handle it if this falls apart. If I fuck it up. I'm not kidding."

"Me neither."

"I lo—" Shit, he didn't think he could say it. Love? He didn't _love_. It was one of his biggest rules. But he'd always sucked at following rules, so he took a deep breath, and forced it out. "I love you. And I don't know what I'll do if I lose this. You. If I lose—shit." His eyes began to burn, and an aching lump started to form in his throat. "I'm so fucking unhappy—Adam, you have no idea. Fuck, I can barely even remember what being happy _feels_ like, and I keep trying and trying and trying, and I...Adam, I can't _try_ anymore. I can't."

"Shh. I'll teach you," Adam said. "We'll teach you. I promise."

Lambert bit his lip. He wasn't going to cry. He _wasn't_. He didn't fucking _cry._ But he believed Adam. Good God, he believed Adam. "Thank you. I—" He blinked back what totally was _not_ tears. "I'm gonna keep trying to stop being such a cunty shithead."

"You're not a—"

"Yeah, I kinda am." He let out a wry laugh. "I mean, I was never there for you, I never helped you out, I broke you and at _least_ five guys up, I set the fucking apartment on fire and nearly _killed you_. Can't get much c—"

Adam kissed him again, shutting him up, and petted Lambert's hair. "Sauli said to have faith in you, since _you_ don't. You're important. You matter." The sincerity in Adam's eyes made Lambert's breath catch. "So, that's what we're gonna do."

" _How?_ " Lambert asked, and wiped his watering eyes. Fatigue. That was all it was. Little sleep and a long day catching up with him, not him crying over this again.

"Very carefully," Adam replied, and kissed Lambert's forehead. "Now, sleep. You're safe. You're not gonna be alone again."

"Okay, I'll—" A knock at the door interrupted him, and he and Adam shared a look. "What the fuck?"

Adam shrugged. "No idea. Maybe if we ignore it, they'll go—"

The knocking grew louder, loud enough to draw Sauli from his doze. "Make them go away," Sauli grumbled, and pulled one of the pillows over his head.

"That's what I'm gonna do, baby," Adam said, and climbed out of the bed. "Maybe it's nothing important. Go back to sleep."

Lambert watched Adam go, shamelessly ogling his round ass and shapely thighs until he was out of sight. "You really hit the jackpot, god _damn_ ," Lambert murmured, thinking Sauli wasn't listening. "We're fucking hot."

"Mm," Sauli replied. "And we're hot at fucking, too."

"Oh, honey, you ain't seen—"

"Guys?" Adam stepped back into the room, wearing a blue satin bathrobe and a worried look on his face. "We, um..."

A man walked in behind him, followed by a haze of smoke from the cigarette in his hand. He was shorter than Adam, tiny, slim, and muscular, with a curly blond mohawk and sharply sculpted cheekbones. And his large, bright eyes were a striking shade of yellow.

"We kind of have a problem," Adam finished.

Sauli sat up, gaping, and Lambert stared in disbelief at the familiar figure, and said, "Holy _shit_."

Sauli said something in Finnish that could only be swearing. The man's lips curved in a feral grin, and he, too, said something in profane-sounding Finnish. Sauli grumbled under his breath, and ducked beneath the pillow again, and his match grabbed the wine bottle from the table, and took a long, deep swig.

Adam heaved a put-upon sigh and held his face in his hands, shaking his head. Lambert couldn't help it. He threw his head back and laughed until it hurt.

This was going to be _fun_.

  



End file.
